Peace On That

This is from 50 Cents' new website thisis50.com

Robocalls are in the news once again. I live in Chicago, and Illinois is considered a safe state for Barak Obama so it was with great shock that I discovered robocall messages on my voice mail. After listening to them, I really understand why people hate them. Just so you guys can get a feel for what it is like, I transcribed just a few of the messages. It is shameful what these guys have done to the political process.

[Message received today at 10:27 am] Hi, this is Barak Obama and as you know this country is in dire need of change. Not the change that McCain found under the pillows of his sofa and is now using to fund his campaign, but a change in the direction of this country. I’m hoping that I can count on your support on November 4. This message was paid for by the donations I received just a few minutes ago.

[Message received today at 11:05 am] This is John McCain. My friends I am here to inform you that Barak Obama is a socialist pig and has sold his soul to the devil. My friends, we cannot allow this man the opportunity to call for jihad from the Oval Office. I am the type of American that you need. Vote me on November 4, and spare our country from socialism. This message was paid for with public funds.

[Message received today at 12:23pm] Hi, I’m Colin Powell and I am supporting Barak Obama for President. He is exactly what America needs at this time in our history. Support America on November 4. Vote for Barak Obama.

[Message received today at 12:24pm] This is Rick Davis for the McCain Campaign. On November 4, we’re asking you to set aside your worries about the economy, healthcare, wars, Wall Street’s collapse and the overall shitty job that the Republicans have done over the past eight years and tap into your racist subconsciousness and vote for McCain. Though you will be voting against your best interest, at least you can say to your grandchildren that you didn’t vote for a black man.

[Message received today at 1:15pm] It's your friendly neighborhood Maverick here, and I’m paying for this ad with some Food Stamps I swapped for cash. So what is this election really about… Ayers…Ayers… Ayers… Joe the Plumber… ACORN and… um, hold on a sec. What are these kids doing… I know the hell they ain’t playing ball [sound of door opening] Get off my lawn you dirty rotten kids before I…[Click]

[Message received today at 2:51 pm] Heeeey, this is Joey. That’s what my old man called me when we were just scraping by in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Ladies and gentlemen, John McCain, god bless him, is a total dick. He wouldn’t know middle America if it snuck behind him and gave him a good ole fashion weggie. That’s what the kids use to do to me when I was growing up in Willmington, Delaware. And ladies and gentlemen, there is nothing fun about a weggie. That’s what McCain and Palin will bring to the White House, a weggie for middle-America. Small towns across the country will have their whitie tighties scrunched in crack of their economic asses while the corporatcrats walk around in loose fitting, silk, Polo boxers. That's not right. It's not fair. This country needs…what do you mean shut the hell up? [sound of pushing and shoving] Hey, don’t take the mic, I’m not done talking. I’m never done talking… Wait…no… no… nooooooooo [Click]

[Message received today at 3:27 pm] This is Sarah Palin and goshdarnit, I hear Joe’s got a robocall. Ohhh say it aint so Joe. While my opponents are palling around with terrorist and trying to convince mothers to kill their babies, I’m out traveling across real America, exciting the base and trying to keep Obama from completely humiliating ole McGrumpy. So go out a vote and then donate to my 2012 campaign run for President. Don’t be discouraged by my interviews with Katie Couric or the Tina Fey caricature of me. Those carpet-munching bitches will be long forgotten and I’ll be ruler of the free world just in time for Armageddon. God bless ya.


[Message received today at 4:00 pm] Wassup, bitches. This is Paris Hilton. I’m not running for anything but I have more money than any of the douche bags running for office and besides… I’m hot. In two weeks when you finally vote for one of these guys, you’ll go back to your pitiful, mundane, useless lives and they are going to forget about you until the next election cycle. In the meantime, they will make you hate one another, call each other names, then after the election, spend your tax dollars however they please. So why am I telling you this? Do I care? Not in the least. I just firgured you would like to know that I’m rich and it doesn’t matter to me who wins. I’ll see you bitches in the soup lines… while I’m passing by in my Mercedes. Smooches.

The following is a paid advertising and does not reflect the views of this blog or its commentors...

With such a difficult and challenging election cycle upon us, politicians are scrambling to find experienced campaign consultants to help navigate the treacherous road to the White House.

The current candidates have found the consultation of established political pundits lacking in creativity and disconnected from the true concerns of the average American.

To fill the void of insightful political punditry, two overwhelming intelligent, immensely creative, and at times violent bloggers have joined together to form a new political consulting firm.

ConservaLib Consulting and Public Relations Inc., founded by Liberal blogger, James Manning and Conservative blogger, Dee Vantuyl, brings a fresh approach to political consulting and public relations manipulation. Between them, they have assaulted Presidents, fought with the press and James Manning has even gotten his ass whooped by the President’s mother.

This unique experience enables us to provide insight to a campaign that other consulting firms cannot. The proof is in the results of candidates who didn’t follow our advice.

Dennis Kucinich

Dennis: I think people need to know about the time I saw a UFO and…
James: (Stands up, reaches across the desk and slaps Dennis in the mouth) Shut the hell up about those UFO’s!!!
Dennis: But I saw…
Dee : (Grabs Dennis by the throat) Man the hell up you sorry piece of Liberal feces.
Dennis: (Crying) But why can’t I…
James: Because it’ll make you look crazy. Its bad enough you’re short. You mention those gotdamn UFO’s one more time and I beat the living hell out of your punk ass.
Dennis: (Crying profusely) Moooooommmmmyyyyyyy


THE RESULT


Ron Paul

Dee : Our study shows that Republican voters are not resonating with your message.
Ron: They will… they will I tell you.
James: Did you take your meds?
Ron: I don’t need them… I’m as sane as a cow pissing on a flat rock.
(James and Dee look at one another)
James: (Turning back to Ron) What the fu…
Dee : Whatever, you need to take your meds before the next debate.
Ron: Absolutely not… they make me wet my pants… and say crazy stuff
Dee : How much crazier can it be?
Ron: I start talking about fairies and leprechauns and how they want to take over the world and…


THE RESULT


Fred Thompson

James: Ok Fred, we’ve been going over this for an hour and you haven’t said anything.
Dee : We’re only trying to help. You’re the best conservative in the race but you’re just not…
( Dee notices that Fred’s head in bobbing up and down. There is saliva forming in the corner of his mouth)
Dee : (looking at James) Is he… Is he asleep?
James: (Taking note of Fred’s form) Well I’ll be damn… this bastard is asleep.
( Dee stands up and walks around the desk to stand by Fred’s side. She raises her arm then lowers her elbow into the side of Fred’s head.)
Dee : (Yelling) Wake your punk ass up!


THE RESULT

Joe Biden

Dee : Joe, I think you could do better if you tweaked your message.
Joe: Tweak my message?
James: Yeah, I think you’re a little winded and…
Joe: I’m not winded. I’m just telling the people that’s it’s about time we have the courage to stand up and say to the president ‘Mr. President, you have not only put us in harm’s way you have harmed us. I’m so tired of hearing on this floor about courage. Have the courage to tell the Administration, ’stop this ridiculous policy you have. So as long as the president keeps us on this ridiculous path, taking us off a cliff — I ask my colleagues, does anybody think they’re going to be able to sustain keeping American forces in Iraq , at 160,000, for another year and a half? How many times are we going to ask those 175,000 to rotate, three, four, five, six, seven times? Mr. President, you’re leading us off a cliff. Stop! I think this is a powerful message.
(James and Dee sit with glazed eyes)
Dee: I hate you.
Joe: Mr. Manning, what say you?
James: Huh?


THE RESULT


Don't make the mistakes these dumb bastards made. ConservaLib Inc. can increase your poll numbers, donations and political viability with sound advice from experts who've been there. Make the call today and become next in line to rule the free world (or what few remaining freedoms the Patriot Act allows).


ConservaLib Consulting & Public Relations Inc.
1-800-PIMPN08
Operators Are Standing By

Call today and we'll throw in the New York Times Best Seller, "Lewinsky Technique: Oral secrets to the Oval Office".

Announcer: The Bush administration is set to reveal a new strategy for Iraq. Will it work? To discuss this topic and more, former House Majority Whip, Tom Delay. And from the blogasphere, Liberal blogger, James Manning

Tim Russert: Good morning gentlemen. Lets begin with you Tom. The president is expected to endorse a plan that would increase the number of troops in Iraq. Do you support that plan.

Tom Delay: Tim, I support anything the president does. Just last week the president was down in Texas and he invited me to his ranch. He wanted to kick my ass for helping the Dems take over Congress. I obliged the president by bending over and letting him kick the stuffing out of me.

Tim Russert: (Looking warily at Tom) So… you support the president then.

Tom Delay: I do support our president and I’ll do anything he wants. For example… the president wanted some hog mog and his pigs weren’t ripe for it so I cut off my own testicles and the president’s chef sautéed them with mushrooms and onions. They were delicious.

Tim Russert: Let me see if I got this. You ate your own… balls. That sounds… how can I put this?

James Manning: Crazier than a motha… What the hell is wrong with you?

Tim Russert: (Turning to James) So what are Liberal bloggers saying about the President’s impending speech.

James Manning: Tim, first of all thank you for this opportunity. I’m glad you didn’t hold the Polka party incident against me. I think President is short on choices here and a troop surge is about all he has left. I don’t think it will work, but he has no choice. Personally, I think most Liberals want a reduction in troops, not more.

Tim Russert: You have a prediction for the outcome?

James Manning: Yep. It won’t work because Bush won’t send enough troops to do the job. Really, he’s just buying time until he can leave office.

Tom Delay: That is not true. President Bush is committed to winning the war in Iraq. It’s in his heart to win.

Tim Russert: Well, I don’t think anyone truly knows his heart, but…

Tom Delay: I know his heart because I gave it to him.

James Manning: What the hell are you talking about?

Tom Delay: The President’s heart gave out after overdosing on crack so he asked me for mine. I gave him my heart and in return they used a deer heart to put in place of my heart. I support our President and I’ll do anything for him.

James Manning: You are SICK!!! Why don’t you leave the talking to me?

Tim Russert: (To James) Its just like you to want to take over.

James Manning (Throwing hands up) Oh, here it comes. You’re still pissed about the Polka party, huh?

Tim Russert: (Pointing finger) You had no business changing the music. You made me look like a fool.

James Manning: What? All you had to do was follow the instructions. (singing) “Right foot two stomps”, “Left foot two stomps”, “Turn it out”. What the hell is so hard about that?

Tim Russert: You suppose to play music that people have heard.

James Manning: Who the hell hasn’t heard of the Cha Cha Slide?

Tim Russert: A lot people.

James Manning: If an Amish grandmother can do the Cha Cha slide, your beady-eyed behind should be able to do it.

Tim Russert: Well, what about the fact that you played Isaac Hayes during dinnertime.

James Manning: Hey, “Shaft” is a classic.

Tom Delay: Speaking of shaft, I recall when the first lady was out of town and the President was feeling frisky and he called me…

Tim & James: Will you shut the hell up.

James Manning: Why would you book me with this bastard?

Tim Russert: It’s my show, shut the hell up.

James Manning: Man, you’re about five seconds away from…

Tim Russert: From what, trick?

Tom Delay: Speaking of tricks. I recall when our President asked me to turn some tricks to raise campaign funds. I love my president and I’ll support him by doing anything he asked.

James Manning: This nasty bastard. I’m out of here. (stands up and pulls off microphone) I’ll meet you in the parking lot. If you thought me smashing you nose in an accordion was bad.

Tim Russert: Nah Homie. We can do this right now on national TV.

(James looks at Tim then jumps over the table, slamming Tim in the stomach with his left foot. Tim counters with a right cross that connects to James’ jaw. Dazed, James shakes it off and proceeds to place Tim in a headlock and smash his face onto the table. Meanwhile, Tom Delay is curled in a fetal position crying like a bitch.)

Announcer: Tune in next week to “Meet the Press” when James Manning interviews Dick Cheney.

I saw this on You Tube and I thought it was pretty funny.

A play off Elvis' "I'm All Shook Up" - Listen

But this is a classic: Listen

Source: Huffington Post Blog

Veggietales - Bellybutton Song

I am off to perform my civic duty (sigh). I think it is wrong that the only people that have to do this are the ones who vote. Everyone should have an opportunity to take part in this day of hell.

Anyway, that's what I'm doing today so I won't blog. But hopefully something interesting will happen that I can share with you. If not, I'll make it up... ha.

Now that I think about it... what would happen if Howard Dean took George Bush to court and I was appointed the lawyer for Bush? Lets us this post to set the story up. If you have some good ideas, drop them here and I'll try to use them in the next story.

Have a good day folks - I'm off to my punishment for being an active member in out political structure.

WASHINGTON – After Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called President Bush “the devil”, President Bush countered by appointing liberal blogger, James Manning as Ambassador to Venezuela. The move was a seen as gesture to smooth relationships between the two Presidents.

Although he was forced to resign as Press Secretary earlier this year after an altercation with George Will and getting into a fight with the First Lady and the President's mother, Mr. Manning was appreciative of the confidence in his ability.

Mr. Manning will be front and center on the international stage and will have to maneuver delicately while engaging one of President’s Bush more vocal detractors.

Immediately after accepting the appointment, Mr. Manning left LAX on Air Force One along with Deputy Secretary Chatterbox to meet with the President Chavez in his office in Caracas.

Scene on Air Force One

James: The President said he trusted me to do this so I don’t see why you are here.

Chatter: I’m here to ensure that you don’t cause an international incident.

James: What makes you think I would cause an international…

Chatter: You got into fight with the First Lady and the President’s mom at the White House. Is that evidence enough?

(Air Force One lands in Caracas and the two Diplomats are ushered to the President’s office for formal talks)

Scene in President Chavez’s Office

Pr. Chavez: Good morning Mr. Manning, Ms. Chatter, welcome to Venezuela. I hope you find our hospitalities worthy of approval.

James: I’m sure we will. Look here, dawg. Lets cut the formalities. You were out of line at the UN and we’re here to put you on notice.

Chatter: What Mr. Manning means is that the President feels that your speech was not appropriate and we’d like to open the channels of communication. After all, your country plays a very important role in the world’s economy.

Pr. Chavez: That it does (sits down and pulls out a cigar). So the President didn’t take kindly to me calling him the devil, huh?

Chatter: No he didn’t. However…

James: There’s no however in this. You need to apologize and pay me my royalties.

Pr. Chavez: Royalties?

James: Hell yeah. I made up the line of calling the President a devil. You need to come off the loot. Then you need to issue an apology... immediately.

(President Chavez leans back in chair, blows cigar smoke out his mouth and grins)

Pr. Chavez: I saw the news conference when you were appointed Press Secretary. You have big kahunas my friend. (quickly sits up and leans across desk with stern glare) But you are out of your league here. I will kick your ass all the way back to Chicago where you can watch you sorry Bears play that girly version of football.

(James looks to his right at Ms. Chatter. Then turns to look over his left shoulder.)

James: You… You… You’re talking to me? (leans on desk) Let me get this right. You’re talking to me?

Pr. Chavez: You’re the only tar baby in the room.

James: Man, I will beat yo…

Chatter: Gentlemen please.

Pr. Chavez: (pointing at Ms. Chatter) Stay in a woman’s place.

Meanwhile at the White House

Cheney: Do you think it was wise to send Mr. Manning to Venezuela? He’s rather uncontrollable.

Bush: He is, but that is why I sent Ms. Chatter along with him. I figure a Christian mother from Missouri would keep him level.

Cheney: That may be true but you do know Ms. Chatter spent some time in Chicago.

Bush: (with worried look on his face) I didn’t know that. Oh my God, get them the hell out of there.

Back in President Chavez’s office.

Chatter (Standing on the desk, mercilessly slapping Pr. Chavez in the back of his head with her heels): I know the hell you didn’t. I'll knock out whatever sense you got left. Don't you ever (kick Pr. Chavez in the chin) think you can (elbows Pr. Chavez in the ear) talk to me (puts him in a choke hold) like that.

James (laughing): Whoop his ass, Chatter. Beat his motha... (blood from Pr. Chavez's nose spashes on shirt) Oh damn! You broke nose. You go girl!

(Ms. Chatter knees Pr. Chavez in the mouth the strikes him with a left jab. Pr. Chavez jumps up and runs towards the window)

Pr. Chavez: Get the hell out of my office you crazy broad and take your monkey with you.

James (jumps from chair): That’s your ass. (Hurdles desk and punches Pr. Chavez in the stomach)

(James kick Pr. Chavez in the back while Ms. Chatter jabs him in the neck with a chair. Pr. Chavez’s security team hears the commotion and enters the office.)

Scene on Air Force One on return flight to states

Ms. Chatter: This is your damn fault. You had to go and ask about some royalties. How are we going to explain this?

James: I really don’t give damn. I got my royalty check. Well, I owe you because he only wrote the check after I promised I’d make you pull that flagpole out of his butt. How the hell did you get it up that far?

Ms. Chatter: Will you get off of that. We have to explain this to the President.

James: C’mon Chatter. Admit it. When you elbowed Chavez in his ear and he went down crying like a bitch… that felt good didn’t it?

Ms. Chatter: Well… Um… (shows a big smile) Hell yeah it felt good. I knocked him the hell out. Whew… I still got it, baby. (Give James a high five)

James: That’s what I’m talking ‘bout. Don’t mess with Chatter! I knew it was on when he told you to stay in your place. I thought we were going to have to call an excavation team to get that heel out of his temple.

(James and Ms. Chatter pop open a bottle of Hennessy and make a toast. Just then, a call comes in from the White House)

Ms. Chatter: Oh shoot. How do we explain this?

James: Hell, I got my money.

(Ms. Chatter answers phone)

Ms. Chatter: Hell Mr. President

Bush: What the hell happened down there? I got the press all over me.

Ms. Chatter: I’m sorry Mr. President. President Chavez was not very cooperative with us. We didn’t leave on very good terms.

Bush: Dammit. “Not very good terms” is an understatement. Mr. Manning, what are you not telling me?

James: Well… Well… I may have inadvertently declared war on his country.

Bush: What the …

James: Don’t worry, sir. Just give me a helicopter and let me call my boys from Troop 44 and we’ll go down and handle it.

Bush: I can’t believe you went down… (phone rings in background) Ho… hold on… let me get that.

(Bush voice is heard in the background. A few minutes pass and he hangs up the phone and returns to the conversation)

Bush: Ok, that was one of Pr. Chavez’s representative. He’s issuing a full apology in the morning. Good job team.

Ms. Chatter: Thank you, sir.

James: I'm glad you…

Bush: Shut up asswipe. You’re fired.

James: What!

Bush: Wait (papers shuffle in background) I just got a memo here stating that Tim Russert wants to interview you on Meet the Press. If that goes well Mr. Manning, you’ll have a permanent position in my Administration.

James: Thanks.

Bush: Good night.

(hangs up phone)

Ms. Chatter: Well, that’s good. You should get along with Tim considering he’s a part of the Liberal media and all. (Notices worried look on James’ face) What’s wrong?

James: Well, I don’t exactly get along with Tim. We got into it at a Polka festival three years ago and...

Ms. Chatter: Oh Lord.

(Tune in next time when James meets Tim Russert face to face since their last encounter at a Polka Festival. It will be a Meet the Press moment to remember)

THE END

I’m sure many of you start you morning off thinking, ‘What is James writing about today?”. Well, to be very honest with you, I have a lot of help coming up with the post for this blog. In fact, I have a full staff that meets every morning and debates the myriad of topics available to post about. Once we’ve bantered back and forth, a topic is chosen and the person in charge of that topic category writes the post.

Today, I want to give you the rare opportunity to experience a staff meeting. I briefly introduced them to you in this post. But I think it’s time that I formally introduce them to you.

The Staff

Jimmy "Book Worm"	Jimmy "Grudge"	Jimmy "West Side"
Jimmy "Schizo"	Jimmy "Cut Throat"	Jimmy "Top Hat"

Let’s look in on the meeting already in progress...


Jimmy “Top Hat”: Look, we need to come up with a post for today. “Book Worm” did a great job on the post about Free Will, and I think we could probably add to that one.

Jimmy “Book Worm”: Thank you “Top Hat”. I really put a lot of effort into that post and I think I was able to add something to the discourse in such a way that…

Jimmy “Cut Throat”: Man, shut the hell up. Don’t nobody want to read that crap two days in a row. Why don’t we do another post about white women?

Jimmy “Top Hat”: Already done and you offended some folks with that post. “West Side”, you have any ideas?

Jimmy “West Side”: Let’s write another post about me whoopin’ some ass.

Jimmy “Book Worm”: Really now. Must we perpetuate the stereotype of gangsterism in black men?

Jimmy “West Side”: Why don’t I perpetuate my foot up yo…

Jimmy “Top Hat”: Ok… ok. Let’s settle down folks. Why don’t we table this and move on to the next item on the agenda.

Jimmy “Schizo”: What we need to talk about why is it that I don’t get to write as much anymore. I’m the one that made us famous. I’m the one that got traffic to the blog. The Cuss Out Kit, Kill My Kitties… that was me, you sorry bastards. And why the hell y’all got me tied up like I’m crazy?

Jimmy “Cut Throat”: Fool, cuz you crazy.

Jimmy “Schizo”: I’m not crazy.

Jimmy “Cut Throat”: Those who think “Schizo” is out of his damn mind, raise your hands.

(Everyone raises their hands)

Jimmy “Schizo”: All y’all can go to hell.

Jimmy “Grudge”: You’d all be welcomed.

Jimmy “West Side”:(Whispering to “Book Worm”) Hey, I know how we all got here. But what tragic episode did we endure to create him? (points towards “Grudge”)

Jimmy “Book Worm”: Oh, we got him after the 2000 election.

Jimmy “West Side”: What happened?

Jimmy “Book Worm”: George Bush was elected president. And death has been at our door ever since. But as soon as the counter on the side of the blog hits zero, he'll be gone.

Jimmy “Top Hat”: Um… “Grudge”, would you like to add anything else to the discussion.

Jimmy “Grudge”: Bush is a spawn of the devil.

Jimmy “Top Hat”: Well… um… I see… Moving on…

Jimmy “Cut Throat”: Hell to the naw we’re not moving on. Man, we work hard to create this blog but this bastard (looks at “Grudge”) sits hear in this tired outfit and don’t do a damn thing except say “Bush is a spawn of the devil”. That’s some bull.

(Grudge stares and Cut Throat with hollowed eyes, not saying a word. Schizo leans to whisper in Cut Throat’s ear.)

Jimmy “Schizo”: Looks like I’m not the only one that needs a straitjacket.

Jimmy “Cut Throat”: Yeah, I think I’m just going to leave him the hell alone.

Jimmy “Top Hat”: Hey! It looks like James is reaching for the toilet paper. This meeting is almost adjourned. We need a topic folks.

Jimmy “Book Worm”: Well, LMC did challenge us to present our plan for fighting terrorism. I say we do that.

Jimmy “West Side”: No, you do that. I’m all for getting gully on ah mofo and let me bust out one of my retrospect rap post.

Jimmy “Schizo”: Cats… let’s blog about cats. I want to kill the kittie part two.

Jimmy “Cut Throat”: Shut the hell up, Schizo. And "West Side", you still saying that rap from 1987. Come up with some new material, dawg. Don't nobody want to hear that ole Whoodini crap.

Jimmy “Top Hat”: Well, since no one came up with a topic, we’ll have to go without a post today. Oh… James has the toilet paper wrapped around his hands. That means this meeting has come to an end. Tomorrow is Friday, so maybe we can do a Friday Top Ten post.

Jimmy “Book Worm”: Well, I’m going over to Chatter’s blog to comment.

Jimmy “Cut Throat”: You do that. Hey, somebody remind James that he has on white draws today. He needs to do some courtesy wipes. Nasty bastard.

Well, it's obvious that my staff meetings are not always productive. Hopefully, tomorrow they will do better and I can come up with a good post for you guys to enjoy.

I’m still working on a post on Old Earth vs New Earth but something struck me during my readings. I’ve often heard that the Bible is the inspired word of God. That’s an interesting statement and I’ve never taken the time to contemplate it. So read more about what that statement means and I came up with several quotes.

Evidence of the book's inspiration includes prophecy, archeology, cohesive unity, accuracy, and Christ revealed. source

In the context of the Scriptures, the word inspiration simply means “God-Breathed.” Inspiration communicates to us the fact the Bible truly is the Word of God, and makes the Bible unique among all other books. source

Since I am not one to believe in the literal interpretation of the Bible, I believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God, but influenced by the culture and understanding of the world at the time when written.

So let’s take a look at what the Bible states how we are to deal with a woman not being virgin.

20 "But if this charge is true, that the girl was not found a virgin, 21 then they shall bring out the girl to the doorway of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death because she has committed an act of folly in Israel, by playing the harlot in her father’s house; thus you shall purge the evil from among you," Duet. 20-22

When reading this scripture we are asked to keep in mind that this is the law of a culture that existed 3000 years ago. Now, I have to ask myself, or is this man’s way of enforcing God’s law against fornication? I choose the latter.

Although the authors of the Bible possessed some foresight, would it not be reasonable to conclude that just as men have interpreted the Bible for justification of the Inquisition, that they would not interpret the inspired word of God to reinforce their cultural norms?

I also wonder if the book of Genesis were written today, would it still state that God made the world in six days or would it take into account our increased knowledge in physics, geology and biology. Meaning, that the authors of the Bible had limited knowledge of the vastness of the earth and it’s complexity.

The reason this is such a difficult debate is because people will account for differences cultural language, moral code, traditions and lifestyles. But they won’t take into account the advancement of human knowledge.

Let’s face it, the Church was steadfast in its teachings that the earth was flat and that the earth was the center of the universe. These beliefs came from a literal interpretation of the Bible. We now know that both are incorrect. Of course, many would say that the Bible does not say that the world is flat but since many people at the time believe that it was, God simply spoke to them in terms that they would understand.

If that is the case, then couldn’t one say that when God told Noah that a flood would cover the world, could He not have been saying that the flood would cover what they understood to be the world at that time? (read more)

So when Revelations reads: 1 And after these things I saw four angels standing on FOUR CORNERS OF THE EARTH, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, nor on the sea, nor on any tree. (Rev: 7-1)

Am I to take that literally or as a figure of speech? If this is literal, then it is because the author believed what many believed at that time – the world was flat.

How is it that I have to take into account the differences in culture, men’s understanding of the world and traditions at the time with only some parts but other parts are to be taken literally?

I certainly believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God? But I also know that the man’s limited understanding of his world is never from anything in which he involves himself. Therefore, unless God suspended free will while inspiring the authors, I feel comfortable with my non-literal interpretation approach.

The following rules come from a book by Robert Green called “The 48 Laws to Power”. If you don't know about this book then I suggest you read it because it is fast becoming the "bible" for politicians, political pundits, businessmen and even entertainers.

The 11 Laws I chose are important because I think they most reflect what is behind our current political discourse. I will continue this discussion at a later date so stay tuned.

When last we saw our love birds, the dashing Trevor Carrington was trying to get the lovely and sophisticated Shelly Steele to shake it fast and the Midnight Booty Clap strip club.

Now we bring you another episode of the Pulitzer Prize winning novel:

Trevor Carrington entered the DJ booth and motioned to get DJ Fuzzy’s attention. Fuzzy acknowledged Trevor and continued with his rants.

“Yo, y’all give it up for Pertty Shirly. Comin’ strait to you from the New Orleans where she found out first hand that Bush don’t care about black people. I told y’all she’d drop it. But stay tuned, we have a surprise guest coming your way. Go to the bar, pick up a drink and get ya dollar dollar bills ready. Hey, and somebody in security get Petey’s drunk ass away from the buffet… nigga slobbering in the gravy n’ shit.”

Fuzzy switched the mic off and turned to Trevor. “Yo, so who is this freak that is so hot that you didn’t even want to tell me her name,” ask Fuzzy.

“Sorry, bruh. I had to make sure she was reeled in all the way. I couldn’t take a chance with her name getting out before the deal was closed.”

“That’s cool, but who is it?”

“Shelly…”

“Shelly? Buck-tooth Shelly from down on Cedar street?”

“Hell nah. Big booty Shelly. You know, her father owns all of that land.”

“Oh snap, Trevor. But I thought you were hitin’ that.”

“I am. The bitch loves me, man. If we play our cards right, she’ll throw down here, we’ll get paid and we can move on to part 2.”

Fuzzy smiles as he ponders Trevor’s evil plot. “Dawg, one of these days you’re going to have to let me in on this little plot of yours. “

“Soon enough my brother. Soon enough.”

“Well, don’t just stand around. Go get the bitch, it’s almost midnight.” Fuzzy yelled.


Shelly sat at the vanity putting the finishing touches on her makeup. Her eyes were red from crying at the idea of having to hit the pole. She thought about asking her father for the money to save Trevor but she knew Trevor’s pride would stop him from accepting any assistance from her father.

But that wasn’t the only thing that bothered her. She couldn’t quite understand how a man would allow her to compromise herself for money. Mookie would never allow her to hit the pole she thought. Mookie was a good man, but he was ordinary. Trevor was extraordinary and he lover her. That made the sacrifice worth it, she rationed.

Trevor barged into the dressing room interrupting her thoughts. “Darling,” he said as he sat next to her. “I just want to thank you for doing this. You are saving me. No, you are saving us.” He pulled her close and firmly kissed her. “They’re getting ready to call your name. Make me proud.”

“Call my name” Shelly said worriedly. “You can’t have them call my name. This can’t get back to my father.”

“Darling not to worry. We made a mask for you and have given you a stage name.”

“What’s my stage name?”

“Jungle Booty Jane.”

“That’s a horrible name.” Shelly yelped.

Just then, the DJ announced the midnight show. Shelly heard the chanting of over-liquored men synchronized with the sounds of Two Live Crew. Trevor motioned Shelly to the stage door.

“Don’t worry, darling. Tonight, you’ll be a star.”

Suddenly, the back door swung open allowing the wind and rain from the storm to engulf the dressing room. In the doorway stood the silhouette of a man dawning a trench coat and cowboy hat. Shelly, startled at the sight, slid behind Trevor.

“So, are you going to come in or stand there looking like the Son of Svengoolie.”

The wind swirled leaves around the dressing room and the outline of the strangers was defined when dark sky behind illuminated with lightning. The roaring thunder drowned the drunken chants of the rowdy men waiting impatiently in the next room. Sweat poured from Trevor’s face and Shelly, terrified from the strange figure standing before them, held on tightly to Trevor’s shoulders.

The imposing figure took a stepped forward. Water dripped from his raincoat. Shelly held her breath as his face came into full view. She was caught off guard by what and who she saw standing before her. The word was out of her mouth before she had a chance to contemplate thoughts.

“Mookie! What are you doing here…”

Veeeeerrrryyyy Interesting….

Is Trevor about to get his butt kicked?

Will Shelly ever reach the pole?

And what’s up with plan 2?

What diabolical plot is Trevor Carrington hiding behind his dashing good looks?

Who in the hell uses a strip club for the setting of a romantic novel?

Find out these answers and more in the next exciting episode of:
“The Midnight Booty Clap”

Washington (Reuters) - Continuing with the administrative shakeup, President Bush announced a replacement for outgoing Press Secretary, Scott McClellan. The new replacement is sure to generate speculation as to the White House communication strategy for the remainder of the Bush term.

President Bush announced today that James Manning, a blogger from Los Angeles and well known Bush basher will take the helm as Press Secretary. This surprise move has many Washington insiders shaking their heads in bewilderment.

Dan Mitchell of the Heritage Foundation found the appointment not only surprising but disappointing. “I’m not sure why Bush would hire someone that is infamous for writing crude skits and is on record stating that he believed that Bush was a spawn of the Devil.”

Dr. Dobson of Focus on the Family issued a statement saying, “that in no uncertain terms could we support this heathen.”

Anticipating the controversy, the Bush Administration released this statement.

America faces difficult times at home and abroad. The War on Terror continues and the need for sound domestic policy is paramount to the continued growth America has come to enjoy. It is important that we communicate our agenda for America effectively. James Manning is the right man to bridge the partisan divide and speak to not just Conservatives or Liberals, but to all Americans.

Transcript from Meeting with the Press:

Bush: Members of the press, it is my pleasure to introduce you to my new Press Secretary, Mr. James Manning

(James Manning stepping to the podium_

James: First, I would to thank the President for this opportunity to serve my country once again. As many of you know, I once shagged women around the world while serving in the Navy. And now I have the opportunity to verbally shag the American people. I will now take questions.

Question: What type of relationship will you forge with the press? Scott lost some credibility after the leak story. What kind of credibility will you have?

James: Well, being from Chicago, I’ve just come hear to speak my peace. So, I can say that I really don’t give a damn what y’all think about me. Whether it’s this year or next year, you’ll never be able to say this brother lied to you… jack.

Question: James, you’ve been quoted as saying that you believe President Bush is the spawn of the devil. How can you now come out and speak for him?

James: With my mouth, bitch. Next question.

Question: Is this the type of attitude we can expect from you?

James: Damn skippy.

Question: The situation with Iran is precarious, what steps is the Administration looking at the curve Iran’s nuclear program?

James: The President has stated that it is America’s position that Iran not be allowed to develop nuclear technology. But the truth is the president of Iran is talking entirely to much shit for my blood. He has to know that we’re about 10 minutes from sending the Delta Force and my play cousin Pookie over to his house and torturing his punk ass. It’s that or nuclear fallout.

Question: Are you saying that it is the policy of this administration to support torture and using preemptive nuclear strikes?

James: Look, we’re just doing what we have to do to protect the American people and get oil executives paid. So if that means we have to cut a bitch and turn them into a nuclear glow pop… then that’s just what ah nigga has to do.

Question: What’s with the language?

James: You know what George (Will), what’s with yo crooked mouth? Don’t come at me like that, dude.

George Will: You seem rather hostile. I don’t see how your black ass got this job.

James: Hold up partna. I will mess you up, talking like that to me.

George Will: Well, bring yo ass down here and see if you don’t get fucked up.

James: (taking off coat and tie) Man, you must be out of your damn mind. Somebody forgot to tell you something. I’m like T.I. – You don’t know me. (singing) You might've seen me in the streets, but nigga you dont know me - When you holla when you speak, remember you dont know me

George Will: I know ain’t nothing between us but air (inhaling) and I just sucked all of that up.

James: (swinging) Bitch, I’ll kill ya. (press trying to break up fight) I told you I don’t play this. (ducking a George Will jab). Miss me punk. Take that. (hits George Will in left rib.) You better step off me you dirty mother…

The White House is currently preparing a statement about today’s press briefing. More details to follow.

The following is a paid advertisment for the Christian Cuss Out Kit and is brought to you by Praise Him High Publishing, and does not reflect the thoughts and attitude of the Peace On That staff and it's commentors.

Christians, when was the last time you were in the presence of the devil and thought, “I’d love to cuss this sorry bastard out right now.” But you didn’t because of your walk with God. Many Christians face this issue every day. Christians are dealing blog trolls, athiest, liberals, traffic jams, demanding bosses and significant others that just don’t get it – all of these things lead to stress and can eventually lead you to cussing a sucker smooth the hell out - but you know that's wrong.

Well, the folks at “Praise Him High Publishing” recognized this dilemma that good church going folk have and now have come up with a new product to assist Christians in their daily dealings with the heathens of the world.

We now bring you the “Christian Cuss Out Kit”. This is a tool that will help you snap off on a deserving bastard and still maintain your righteousness. That’s right, no longer do you have to worry about the depths of hell because some a-wipe damn near hit you or some troll bashed President Bush on your blog. The Christian Cuss Out Kit provides you with an array of cussing options that fall within the boundaries of Godly speak.

But don’t take our word for it. Check what they’re saying about the Christian Cuss Out Kit in congregations across the country.

I tell you. Ms. Jenkins was getting on my last nerve with her big hats, shouting in church all the time and steppin’ on my corns. I told her nicely that the next time she stomped on my corns I was going to knock her out. Well, Pastor didn’t take to kindly to that and gave me the Christian Cuss Out Kit. I took it home, read it and found a wholesome way to tell that old bag off. The following Sunday Ms. Jenkins stepped on my corns and I pulled her to the side and cussed her out in good fashion with the techniques found in the Christain Cuss Out Kit. That crazy ole bat ain’t stepped on my corns since. I thank you, Praise Him High Publishing. And so do my corns.

Alameda Washington
Norfolk, Va

But this kit isn’t just for those in the congregation. There are chapters dedicated to those in pulpit that must deal with rowdy members of the church.

I’m the pastor of “The 3rd Missionary Ebenezer Martin Luther Malcolm X Avenue Baptist Church of the 1st Jurisdiction.” And I was having serious problems with my congregation questioning me on how I spent the church funds. Always asking, why I gotta have a S600 Benz and mansion and things like that. How dare they question a man of the cloth, I thought. I tried to explain it to them several times. But the final straw was when I returned from a trip around the world and purchased a new Bentley for my missionary work and they questioned my integrity. So I turned to the Christian Cuss Out Kit and it gave me the tools I needed to write a sermon cussing every member of the church out. Now when I speak they shut the hell up and give the 20% in tithes like bible says they should. The devil is a lie and now I know I can cuss him out too. Thanks to your product, I purchased a brand new yatch to perform baptisms and no one complained. Praise God. And blessing to Praise Him High Publishing.

Rev. Henry Cobblestone
Racine, WI

All of this for the low, low price of
$22.95

Order today and be cussing out bastards next week!!!

Call Praise Him High Publishing @
1-877-CUSS-OUT
Operators are standing by.

The following is a paid advertisement for the Whoop Dat Trick Exercise Video and is brought to you by West Mothafuckin' Side Publishing, and does not reflect the thoughts and attitudes of this blog and its commentors.

Are you looking to start your New Years off with beating a mothafucka's ass but have neither the strength nor the wind to do so. Ladies, have you been saying to yourself all year, 'that bitch needs her ass whooped?' Men, how many times has it crossed your mind to walk up to the dirty bastard that has gotten on your nerve all year and knock him the fuck out? If this scenario is familiar to you and you haven't taken action because you are either too fat or too out of shape to do so - then this product is for you.

West Mothafuckin' Side Publishing has just the product to whip your sorry ass into shape. Presenting the "Whoop Dat Trick Exercise Video". Not since the days of Jane Fonda has an exercise video revolutionized the way mothafucka's get their workout on.

The Whoop Dat Trick Exercise Video is loaded with 120 minutes of high octane, low impact, self-defense maneuvers, strength training procedures and secret pimp slappin' techniques. All demonstrated by certified trainers/pimps who have attended 600 hours of physical fitness classes and endured over 600 hours of pimpin' on the streets of Chicago.

But don't take our word for it. Check out the testimonies of satisfied customers across the globe.

For most of my life I was considered a weak bitch. Boys beat me up, girls took my milk money. My self-esteem was low and I was always afraid to be in large crowd for fear of getting my ass whooped on GP. Then one night I saw the Whoop Dat Trick Exercise Video and it stated how I had a choice in not maintaining my wuss status. After three months of following the videos intensive physical regiment and mental exercises, I became a new man. Just yesterday I slapped the shit out of the maitre d' for putting 4 ice cubes in my water when I specifically asked for three. This time last year I wouldn't have done that. Now I'm slappin tricks on the regular. All thanks to the Whoop Dat Trick Exercise Video... they can't fuck with me.

Lets hear from a female client.

Ray Ray use to beat my ass all the damn time. I couldn't do nothing about it because I was 50 pounds overweight. One day my girlfriend told me about the exercise video that helped her get her man in line and she gave it to me. Well, four months later and fifty pounds lighter, Ray Ray tried to put his hands on me and I commenced to wearing his ass out. I pimp slapped his ass like I was Gene Hackman on Mississippi Burning all the while screamin' 'Bitch, get off me.' Since that day, I got that bitch reading the "Hoe Go Fix My Grits" cookbook, bringing me hot wings from the barbecue house and polishing my toes. And I owe it all to the Whoop Dat Trick Exercise Video.

The success in the Whoop Dat Trick Exercise Video is not only in the innovative way we go about teaching fitness and pimpin' skills, but in the music that alters the mentality of the listener as they learn the technique to properly whoop ass. The soundtrack of the video is laced with the hottest mind-altering club bangers like:

1. Weak Niggaz Let Hoez Read - Osama the Don
2. No WMD's (But I Still Lit Dat Ass Up) - Killa G
3. Oh Pleaz, Oh Pleaz, Oh Pleaz (Just Gimme Just One Mo Hit) - Rodney King f/Marion Berry
4. Katrina... Aint But A Word To Me - Mike Brown
5. Coonin' For Your Heart - Jesse Peterson and the Larry Elder Quartet

and many more...

Although the music is great, it is the technique of our trainers that make the difference. The exercise video showcases the latest in physical fitness techniques divided into three different routines:

Step & Intervals....9 minute active warm up, 21 minutes of high intensity step aerobics (which teaches the art of stepping yo foot off in a trick's ass), 10 minutes of ALL CHEST pounding exercises, 5 minute pimp slap stretch.

Kickbox.....9 minute active warm up, 23 minutes of kickboxing chops to the back of the throat, 10 minutes of elbow to the mouth exercises, Abs 12 minutes, pimp slap stretch 5 minutes.

Leaner Legs.....For those who are looking to flee the police after administering an ass kicking. 3 minute stationary warm up, 33 minutes ALL LEG jumping a fence and hiding in the alley exercises, 9 minutes of ABS, pimp slap stretch 4 minutes.

All routines are presented by our specially trained trainers.

Make your New Years Resolution to whoop a trick's ass possible by purchasing the Whoop Dat Trick Exercise Video today. It has changed the lives of many and we guarantee that it will change yours. You can have this video for the New Years sale price of $14.99. That's Right, just $14.99!!! This is for a limited time only.




Call West Mothafuckin' Side Publishing @
1-877-WHOOP-EM
Operators are standing by.
Disclaimer: Please recognize that no matter how much training you've had, there are some people in the world that will fuck you up with the quickness. So if you step to some Ving Rhames type mothafucka and he goes Medieval on yo ass - then you just picked the wrong mothafucka to fuck with. West Mothafuckin Side Publishing is not responsible for any injuries acquired from any attempt to whoop a trick. By purchasing this video, you assume all risk to getting yo ass whooped when applying the techniques demonstrated in this video. We're not trying to pay because you decided to do some dumb shit. Fuck that!!!

Don't forget to check out our Cuss Out Kit now available.

I wake in the morning, there’s poop all around
I put up the Christmas tree, they knock it down
Kill my kitties, kill my kitties

They throw up on the floor after their fed,
I try to walk by them, they scratch up my leg
Kill my kitties, kill my kitties

In the middle of the night they sleep on my throat
I see evidence in clawing on my favorite coat
Cat litter everywhere
It reeks of their piss
My girlfriend gets purring
But me, I get a hiss

They must know its coming
They try to be my friend
But I bet they are plotting
On how to do me in

But I won’t let it happen
I’m much too slick for that
To be murdered in my own home
By two plotting cats

In the middle of the night I plan to creep
Up on the critters as they slumber in sleep
Kill my kitties, kill my kitties

With the plot devised, all is set
I’ll slip my hands around their little necks
My girl will be mad but what the heck
Kill my kitties, kill my kitties

C-I-L my kitties.

- by James Manning

This poem is inspired by Eddie Murphy’s “Kill My Landlord”

Dark and lonely on a summer's night.
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
Watchdog barking. Do he bite?
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
Slip in his window. Break his neck.
Then his house I start to wreck.
Got no reason. What the heck?
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
C-I-L my land lord!

The following is a paid advertisement for the Cuss Out Kit and is brought to you by West Mothafuckin' Side Publishing, and does not reflect the thoughts and attitudes of this blog and its commentors.

Advertising: Do you have troll that you would like to curse out but haven't the street vernacular to do so? Maybe you have a friend that pisses you off to the highest of pisstivity and would like to curse them out but lack the courage to do so. Don't worry, you are not alone. Many people go months, years, even decades without properly cursing out some deserving idiot with the quickness.

Well, now all of your problems are solved. Presenting the world first ever Cuss Out Kit. Brought to by West Mothafuckin' Side Publishing, the makers of the Check Yo Man Dictionary and the Whoop Dat Trick Exercise Video.

The Cuss Out Kit, will equip you with the necessary courage and verbiage to curse out any Blog Troll, Baby Daddy, or friend that borrowed something and never returned it. But you don't have to take our word for it. Read what satisfied customers across the country are saying about the Cuss Out Kit.

"I was having problems with my baby's daddy and I didn't know what to do. Err time I called that son of a bitch he hung up on me. I wrote letters but he never responded. But thanks to the Cuss Out Kit, I found out that I was communicating with the bastard in an ineffective manner. The Cuss Out Kit enabled me to cuss that sorry bastard out so bad that not only did he come off the loot, but he even gave me the keys to his Range Rover. I couldn't have done it without the Cuss Out Kit. Thank you "West Mothafuckin' Side Publishing." -
Shanikwa J.
Tampa Bay, FL

Not only is the Cuss Out Kit designed for personal use, but it makes a great business tool as well. In those instances when you are dealing with rowdy customers or suppliers, you can use the Cuss Out Kit to get your point across and stop all bullshit at the door. Again, you don't have to take our word for it. Check out, Nathan Rickenbocher's testimony. Nathan is president of an Insurance company in Denver, Colorado.

"I had problems with one particular client that wanted us to pay a claim on his fire insurance policy. His home burned do to faulty wiring. Sure, we could have and should have paid but when I found out his home was worth $4 million I was like, 'fuck that.' Because of that, he called our offices relentlessly. I sent several professional correspondence that were written by the people in my legal department stating that we wouldn't honor his claim. The guy made my life miserable. Finally, an associate told me about the Cuss Out Kit and how it helped her. I purchased it and when I found the letter in Chapter Ten, on How To Threaten Bodily Harm Ghetto Style, I knew I had the right book. After sending the letter to the gentlemen and his family, I never heard anything from him again. Thanks to the Cuss Out Kit, I'm harassment free and sitting on $4 million. "West Mothafuckin' Side Publishng," you're the best... and I'm rich, bitch."

Nathan Rickenbocher
Slight Of Hands Insurance

The Cuss Out Kit is a perfect tool for those of you with beef, drama, grief or just in the mood to cuss a bitch out. You can't go wrong with this kit and if you order now, we'll throw in the Hoe Go Fix My Grits cookbook. It is loaded with exceptional phrases you can use to motivate that lazy ass man or that sorry ass tramp that is sitting on your sofa and smokin' all of your bud to get up and do something around the house.

The normal cost for both the Cuss Out Kit and the Hoe Go Fix My Grits cookbook is $49.99. But you can both for the special blog price of $19.99. That's Right!!! Just $19.95. Act now. It makes a great gift for the cussing challenged on your shopping list!!!