Poetry: Kill My Kitties

I wake in the morning, there’s poop all around
I put up the Christmas tree, they knock it down
Kill my kitties, kill my kitties

They throw up on the floor after their fed,
I try to walk by them, they scratch up my leg
Kill my kitties, kill my kitties

In the middle of the night they sleep on my throat
I see evidence in clawing on my favorite coat
Cat litter everywhere
It reeks of their piss
My girlfriend gets purring
But me, I get a hiss

They must know its coming
They try to be my friend
But I bet they are plotting
On how to do me in

But I won’t let it happen
I’m much too slick for that
To be murdered in my own home
By two plotting cats

In the middle of the night I plan to creep
Up on the critters as they slumber in sleep
Kill my kitties, kill my kitties

With the plot devised, all is set
I’ll slip my hands around their little necks
My girl will be mad but what the heck
Kill my kitties, kill my kitties

C-I-L my kitties.

- by James Manning

This poem is inspired by Eddie Murphy’s “Kill My Landlord”

Dark and lonely on a summer's night.
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
Watchdog barking. Do he bite?
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
Slip in his window. Break his neck.
Then his house I start to wreck.
Got no reason. What the heck?
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
C-I-L my land lord!

 

23 Responses to Poetry: Kill My Kitties

  1. Robosquirrel Says:
    One of my cats SHIT IN MY BED the other night. I was ready to do some punting, but I scruffed him, stuck his nose right in it and said "NO! BAD KITTY!" so he knew exactly why I was upset. I hope it worked.

    Their names are Logan and Rogue, but their new nicknames are Poopie and Trouble, respectively.
  2. Little Miss Chatterbox Says:
    Okay, so this was good. My husband would enjoy it since he hates cats. My dad hated cats and then my husband so I never had a prayer of owning a cat.

    I actually accidentally ran over 2 fighting cats one time. It was somewhat traumatic. Everyone jokes about running over cats but when it actually happens it is not as funny.
  3. Little Miss Chatterbox Says:
    Also, I think Eddie Murphy is great. I loved Beverly Hills Cop 1 & 2.

    And I responded to your comments to grey ghost on yesterday's post. I agree with you on the UN and the money getting directly to the people.
  4. Dan-E Says:
    this is hilarious. even though i like cats and all. i mean, they're delicious. especially slow-cooked and slathered with barbeque sauce.
  5. James Manning Says:
    LOL @ Dan, mny you are funny.

    Robo, that is truly a capitol offense.

    LMC, I would feel bad if I killed a cat. I'm no tree hugger, but I don't like the idea of killing an animal unless it swims and is willing to grab a hook with a nightcrawler on it.
  6. Jaimie Says:
    Excuse me People, but these are my cats.
  7. DCS Says:
    James, James, James. Cats are organized, you know. I have a message from Kitty Corleone, a.k.a. "Fat Tony." He says he and his associates are watching you. Mr. Corleone also asked me to make an introduction by sending you his photograph. Be careful, my brotha.

    Jaimie, I wanted to come here to show you some respect.
  8. TheOneandOnlyInsanely Says:
    LOL @ C-I-L, I hate pets.
  9. TheOneandOnlyInsanely Says:
    LOL @ C-I-L, I hate pets.
  10. MEP Says:
    Sorry Jamie but that was stinking hillarious. Although I would never condone the killing of kitties. I still laughed and thought about how mad my BF was when one of our puppies chewed up the trim on our patio door.
  11. Jaimie Says:
    Love the pic DCS! He does look like one mean kitty!
  12. Diane S. Says:
    This is hillarious, and simply begs to be put to music.

    You know,

    "Woke up this morning"
    (bass) bum um de bum
    "There's poop all around"
    (bass) bum um de bum...

    Something sorta Mississippi delta bluesy.

    "Kill the Kitties" # 19 with a bullet on the charts!
  13. sonyared Says:
    LMAO!!! ha Ha ha...funny. they sleep on your throat??...damn!. Funny Post.

    P.S Thanks so much for the avartar help...shout out to ya!!
  14. nikki Says:
    LMAO!

    jaimie will kick your ass if you kill those cats, but that was a great poem, anyway!
  15. Revka Says:
    James,
    That was great. I hate cats. they annoy me. I am allergic to them, yet they always rub up around me. Drives me nuts. One time I was standing up, the next thing i knew this kitten ran up my leg and was standing on my thigh, reared back hissing at me. It freaked me out. The kitty from hell crawled up my leg ready to attack me. I screamed and pushed it off my leg.

    I HATE cats..
  16. Anonymous Says:
    Honestly,
    I think that was the funniest poem I've EVER read! I just sent it to my former roommate who subjected me to the two kitties from hell for 3 years! :)
  17. Alli Says:
    This was very funny. I have a cat in fact I'd have more cats if my apartment allowed us to have pes.....Shhhhhhhhh don't tell anyone about Smudge.....
  18. Tif Says:
    You gotta go with Curtis Mayfield on guitar because he can double as a vocalist and is one of the best song writers ever-- c'mon he wrote "Giving him something he could feel" - that man wrote one of the sexiest woman love songs there is as well as hundreds of favorites. Teddy P. didn't even get a tryout?
  19. Anonymous Says:
    d'oh wrong post
  20. DJ Diva Says:
    why did i think that poem could be sung with "for my lover" from Tracy Chapman's first album...Too funny James LOL
  21. tommy Says:
    Know what you talking about. Had me laughing out loud.
  22. Barnsley-Freeads Says:
    If you want a seriosly good laugh watch these hillariously funny videos
    http://watchthisfunnyvideonow.com/taf/?x=23077XlRf Humerous
  23. Starr Says:
    Great poem. I am not a cat lover so all I can say is kill the kitties! Lol, Great blog.