My Killing Cats

They sit around all day, we have to feed them, clean up after them and pay for their medical expenses. When their home, all they do is sleep and beg for attention. Now they’ve gotten to the point where they sleep all day and go out all night. They hang out in the streets, coming home only to eat and take a dump. These two freeloading bastards are taking advantage of me… you’d think they’d show some gratitude and at least catch a mouse or something. Sure, we don’t have mice – but dammit, go and hunt one down.

I can’t stand these selfish ass cats. The girl had to spend the night on the roof because she couldn’t figure out how to get down. You’d think she would climb down the same tree she used to get on the roof, but nooooooooooo. I have to climb my happy ass on the banister of the back porch and coax her dumb ass down. Then the boy goes out and gets himself hurt and it ended up costing us over $300. He’s running the streets acting a fool and we have to pay for it.

And what gratitude do I get for putting up with them? I get to clean up fur, vomit and have to put up with the boy cat having some type of alpha male ego crap with Jaimie. Someone forgot to tell this fool that I’m from Chicago. I will beat his ass.

For the past year I’ve tried to convince Jaimie that her cats are trying to kill me. She thinks I’m crazy but I have strange cuts on my back and they didn’t get there from having hot butt-nekkid sex (I’d be cool with that). No, the cats are trying to drain the blood from my body. But until today, I had no proof. Well, Jaimie, this morning I snuck around the house and snapped a picture of your precious little bastards plotting my demise.

Behold… The Proof!!!!

I am calling the Po-Po!


18 Responses to My Killing Cats

  1. Little Miss Chatterbox Says:
    LOL--Good rant about the kitties as always. My husband is allergic so we've never had cats or dogs.
  2. Bullfrog Says:
    Nice pic! LOL! That;s why I am a "Dog Person", they are VERY loyal. Cats are to pretentious for my taste.
  3. jali Says:
    The cat is obviously trying to get a mouse for you. Isn't that what you keep asking for?

    How selfish and human-centric of you to assume that it's all about you.
  4. Cynthia Says:
  5. Mahndisa S. Rigmaiden Says:
    06 22 06

    hahahahhahahahahhahahahaha The Cat Chronicles again eh? You should do children's stories on this topic. It would make you rich:)
  6. James Manning Says:
    That's a good idea, Mahn. In fact, that's a damn good idea.
  7. James Manning Says:
    That's a good idea, Mahn. In fact, that's a damn good idea.
  8. stuffle Says:
    LOL - yet more proof that cats are pure evil! :)
  9. bold as love Says:
    Listen one more time- like I said last time the cats were getting on your nerves- drop them off at the local chinese buffett- end of cat issue- oh, do eat there atleast for 2 weeks after dropping the cats off.
  10. Delaleuverses Says:
    This is too funny!
  11. Diane S. Says:
    James - Get the male cat fixed!. There's a reason they call staying out all night "Tom Catting Around." If he isn't fixed, he's more likely to get in fights, and worse to start spraying around the house to mark his territory.

    I know it hurts men to contemplate the removal of the dangling bits, but with a cat this is really essential. Do it!
  12. James Manning Says:
    Diane, He is fixed.
  13. The Mistress Says:
    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
  14. mark Says:
    Yo James no offense but you seem to really have something against cats, I once had a cat sh#t on my pillow and yet I dont have as much animosity towards cats as you do. Perhaps you and the cats should go get some conflict resolution therapy. Mark
  15. Roderick Says:
    That's the first time I've seen a hit-cat, James. What's his name?
  16. DJ Diva Says:
    Ok James...I was pleading for mercy before...but after seeing that pic...get that lil n****!!!!

    Even after my cat was "fixed"...he still retained his alpha male attitude...until Scribe came along and reminded him that he was still a cat....hmmm I feel a Cat Bloggin episode coming on...thanks James! and psst...I'm glad you didn't quit!
  17. Bloviating Zeppelin Says:
    Man! The cat doesn't skimp on equipment either -- that's an HK sniper rifle!

  18. Anonymous Says:
    Enjoyed a lot!