Peace On That

If I were charged with writing a script for a television series, the following experiences are definintely some of the ones that I would use. I’m sure we all have moments like these – and I’m sure I’m due to have a few more, but it is fun to reminisce about some of the funniest moments of my life.

The Poopie Bandit: My best friend has an aunt who lives in Champaign, Illinois. My older brother, two cousins, another friend, and I decided to drive down to Champaign for a visit. We checked into the Thrift Hotel, chilled for a moment, then went to the mall. While walking through the mall, my friend Malcolm and I met two girls and we invited them back to the hotel. They agreed. To make a long story short, we had two rooms that were connected to one another. My older brother, both my cousins Fred and Gary, and my best friend Kailonn slept in one room, while Malcolm and I had the other.

The next morning we awoke to find a large pile of poop on Kailonn’s stereo speaker. Now, we were drinking, but we weren’t drinking that much. No one would admit to doing it but somehow we ended up blaming Fred for it. We flipped coins to see who would clean it but in the end Kailonn cleaned it because he wanted to make surethere were no residuals. To this day Fred denies it was him... and I happen to believe him – but it hangs over his head like a curse. It is still funny when I think about how we all stood around the speaker, looking down at the brown mess. Yuck.


The Ugly Girl Down the Hall: It was on this same trip where Gary fell into the trap of talking with a young lady on the phone that was… well, let’s start from the beginning. We were in and out of the hotel all day. At some point, a young lady must have seen us and asked the clerk at the desk for our room number. That evening she called and Gary just happened to answer the phone. He must have talked with her all night because the next morning he took a shower – after we cleaned the poop- and left the room. He was gone for about twenty minutes when I went downstairs to return the iron to the front desk. Gary was standing in front of the vending machine with one hand on top of it and his head against the glass. He looked distraught.

I asked him what was the matter and he gave me the room number to the girl he met. I knocked on the door and almost had to take a step back when I saw her. I was like whoa. Not the Black Rob whoa, but the whoa like, oh my God, you are hideous. She asked me about my cousin and I did what any good cousin would do: I told her my cousin was upstairs in the room and that he had asked me to come down and get her. I gave her the room number and left.

We were sitting in the room when she knocked on the door. Kailonn answered the door and he had the same reaction I had when I first saw her. He invited her in and we were cordial but not really into her. Malcolm turned on the stereo and started playing some house music. This girl stood up and started dancing with a 40 ounce of Budweiser in her hand. She chugged and danced for about 15 minutes. At that point we decided it was time to leave. It took Gary a minute to get over that stunt – but it was well worth his wrath.

The Drunk Friend: I was stationed in San Diego and my best friend at the time, Tony, roomed with a Mexican guy from Los Angeles. One night this guy invited us to a birthday party for his sister. We decided to go. As soon as we got into his sister's apartment, Tony starts drinking. It wasn’t long before he was hitting on every woman in the joint. An older woman, probably around 50, asked him his name and he gave her a devilish look and said, “Big Willie”. It wasn’t what he said, but it was how he said it. She got the message and took off into the next room. We both had a good laugh over it.

Later, a guy walked in dressed like Prince and Tony teased him the entire night. He stuck his tongue out at him, winked at him, called him pretty then just laughed in his face. I knew the guy was going to snap soon so we decided to go to the Red Onion in West Covina.

We drove into the parking lot and there is a couple walking our way. As soon as we parked the car, Tony jumped out of the car and loses his dinner at the couple’s feet. There was nothing we could do so we threw him in the back seat and went into the club.

By the time we got back to the car Tony was completely out of it. We drove back to his sister’s house but Tony was too drunk to leave the car. So, we left him. The next morning I went to check on him. I looked in the car to see that he’d left what looked like his entire insides on the front and back seat of my Buick Century. After taking a few pictures of him wallowing in his own filth, I helped him upstairs and cleaned the car. That’s what boys are for.

The Falling Plants: It was my first trip to Los Angeles to visit my girlfriend. I wore a pair of black shoes, black slacks and a blue silk shirt. I was pretty fresh. My girlfriend’s mother was out of town and she had to water the plants. So, we left the airport and drove to her mother’s house.

Once inside she started watering the plants. There are several plants that were on the top shelf so I offered to help. Well, wouldn’t you know that in the process of watering the plants, one of the plants fell, spilling water and soil over my shirt and on the floor? Not the most impressive way to start a romantic weekend.