I've always known men and women were different but having to work with so many women and now living with one, I am seeing some extraordinary differences. These are little subtle things that I've noticed, but they are profound.
1. Women like to decorate a co-worker's desk to celebrate something (birthday, wedding, ect.)
Don't get me wrong, that's nice but in an office full of men you'd be lucky to get an acknowledgment that you even exist. My co-workers want to have birthday buddies. That's where a person is in charge of decorating the desk and bringing in treats for their buddy when it is their buddy's birthday. I can tell you this - my buddy is coming up short. Because I'm not going to do a danggum thing. What for? Why do I want my desk decorated and then have to clean that crap up at the end of the day. What kind of birthday is that? Sorry, buddy, you'll just get a pound from me.
2. Woman will actually go home and cook something to bring to work the next day. In all of my years of office pot lucking, I've never seen a man cook anything. We don't do it. Why should we? That's what grocery stores are for. When I was at UL, there were pot lucks for something every week. And every time, at least one women would ask, "So what are you bring, James." I'd look at them and politely respond, "Not a danggum thang." Do you know how much work is involved with cooking for 10 people? I didn't have the utensils for something like that. Heck, I didn't even have the groceries for it - and I wasn't about the take the time to shop so other people could eat all my food.
3. Women notice everything about each other’s wardrobe.
This is something that truly fascinates me. Women must possess some an infrared beam that automatically scans the body to check someone's gear. I've overheard conversation lasting 10 minutes or more over a belt. Who notices a belt? And shoes! Lord, don't have a pair of shoe that other women like. They will congregate in the hall and reveal intricate details of the shoe: the designer, and the different color patterns the shoes match. Guys don't do that. If a guy even notices another guy's outfit, which is rare, the conversation is something like this: "Yo, I'm diggin' that jersey, bruh." The other guy, nodding his head, replies, "Yeah, yeah." Notice, there is no discussion on how good the jersey looks on the guy - because we don't do that. We don't ask about sales, how much it cost and different colors that are available. Because we really don't care.
4. Women throw away food.
This is something that I really have to get use to. If I leave a pork chop on the stove over night, my girlfriend wants to throw it away the next day. She tosses leftovers after about 3 days. If she thaws some meat and it's not cooked after a day or two, she tosses it. This totally baffles me. In a man's world, leftovers are good until they start moving on their own (My motto: if it's not fuzzy and green, it's ok). If it's cooked and sitting out, it has a shelf life of at least three days (fours days for pizza). But I can't tell this to my girlfriend. She's worried about food poisoning, e-coli and salmonella poisoning. Men don't worry about that. Men live by the creed: Whatever the microwave didn't kill, Pepto-Bismol will.
5. Women are good and destroying a fantasy with a reality check.
For some reason my girlfriend has no interest in a 32” television with Dolby surround sound with a 700 amp sub-woofer. When I speak of the great electronics available I can hear crickets chirping, her eyes glazes over and I can see her calculating our budget. "We don't have the money for that" she says. I know we can't afford it right now, but it's a fantasy. Why crush a man's spirit like that? Outside of sex, there are only three things that men fantasize about: sports, tools and electronics. Men spend their lives dreaming of a state of the art entertainment system. When we mention it to our women, we want encouragement, not a discussion of fiscal responsibility. That's like talking about the furniture bill while making out on the couch.
He Says""Ohhh, baby baby. I'm going to take you right here... right now."
She Says:"You do that, but you know we haven't sent the bill off for this so don't go messing it all up."
Can I get a witness?