Peace On That

I was wondering, what kind of job would I like to have if money and career opportunities were not an issue. There are a lot of meaningless, dead-end jobs in the world, but some of them actually offer a unique opportunity to enjoy life.

In light of that fact, I’ve come up with a list of meaningless jobs that I would do if there were no such thing as bills.

Goofy: If you have gone to Disneyland then you know how much fun can be had there. One of the most exciting moments at Disneyland for kids is when they run into one of the Disney characters. I know Mickey and Minnie are the post popular characters, but I’d have to go for Goofy. I can act as silly as I want and if a little knucklehead kid gets out of line I could disguise the elbow to the punk’s eye as part of my silly slap-stick routine. Donald Duck would be another character and considering that Donald is a manic-depressive with serious anger management issues, it would make it easy to snap off on the little darlings when they step on my feet. I’d have to find a way to deal with the heat, but I can see myself trying to mack Cinderella or Snow White during intermission.

Ice Cream Truck Driver: This is a cool dead-end job… literally. I’d have to have a route on the west side of Chicago during the oven months (July & August). What could be more fun then driving down Cicero Avenue in a ice cream truck sitting on twenty-two’s and blasting the Times “Ice Cream Castle”. My uniform would consist of a pair of jeans, a wife beater and a Kangol. I’d also add penny candy sto’ to the truck to rake in a couple extra bucks.

The kicker would be that I’d put a wrap on the truck, pump Egyptian Musk through the vents and hitch a trailer with a stripper pole sticking in the middle of it and park it in front of a club. I’d go from serving ice cream and banana splits to Hennessy and Budweiser.

Bartender on a Cruise Ship: I always thought Isaac had a cool job. Serving drinks to folks and macking the ladies looking for a good time during their weekend away for civilization. No smoky bars for me – give me the wide-open spaces of the Caribbean Sea where lustful natures and tanning oil is in abundant supply.

The other perk is traveling to the islands at no cost and access to unlimited booze. Not that I’m a big drinker, but I could always go for a cold one. Now, I know there is a lot more to bartending than pouring drinks but it’s not like I would actually care about crap like inventory and staffing. I’d do enough not to get fired but my primary objective would to mingle as much as possible.