Calling All Men!!!
My fellow bloggers, it is with the utmost concern that I present this post at this time, at this place, and in this setting, so that we may embark on a philosophical discourse that may very well become the living testimony of our generation.
I seek from you, not trivial diatribes, but bold words so that once painted on this canvass, those words illuminate so that those that follow us will have this historical text to stand upon, whereby they will be embolden to speak truth to power.
We are at the crossroads, where the characterization of manhood is in jeopardy. We ignore this at our peril. I speak to you on this, not as an enlightened elitist, but as a brother in gender. I have no God inspired words to share but if what I say today ring of any truth then it shall be confirmed as such by your engagement.
With that said, I present to you two matters of concern, the first being the debate raging between the gas grill and the charcoal grill. It was written that in the “Code of Man” that a man lingering between the charcoal and gas worlds is lukewarm, and men of grilling prominence would regurgitate meat prepared by such a man. Behold, one day while presenting ribs, doused with hickory and maple barbecue sauce, as a sacrifice to my Jurassic nature, I was given truth. From this day forth, it was said unto me, we shall hold the charcoal grill as the pinnacle of grilling. It is the art form that most reflects our instinct to seek equilibrium between or modern and Neanderthal being.
The gas grill shall be looked upon as the dowdy understudy; adequate for a task and providing a means to an end. But its use is a virtuous as using a Bunsen Burner in lieu of candles to set a romantic mood.
Men who know not the ways of the charcoal grill will be referred to as “Cricket”. Those that master the art of lighting, controlling and maintaining a fire will be referred to as “Chuck”. I call on you to raise your voice and agree with me so that we can bring this law into fruition.
The next issue is of sports. The love of sports is not only our right as men, it is our virtue. But the world of sports is in decline and it is up to men to fight. It was written that sport is an activity governed by a set of rules. This abdominal generalization has forced us to believe that figure skating is a sport. Many generations of men conceded. With that concession came a downward spiraling into an abyss where we now are asked to accept “curling” as a sport. THIS CANNOT STAND!!!!
No more. From this day forth, the definition of a sport is “an activity in which opposing forces seek dominance over the other while relying upon at least two of the follow mechanisms: brute force, athletic ability or strategic maneuvering”.
This "truth" is our protection. It is our guiding light that allows us to care about real sports that matter: Football, basketball, baseball, boxing and NASCAR. While we recognize that there are otehr sports - the aformentioned sports are the foundation of man's love for sports.
By using this definition, we now can definitively prove that American Football is the greatest sport in the world since in entails using all three mechanisms on every play of the game. Nuff Said.
Furthermore, as men we must follow the code of sportsmanship. As football fans we are part of a collective that does discriminate based on race, religion, creed or political leanings. It is honorable for black men and white men to break rib tips and pop beer caps while discussing the virtue of the 46-defense. To reject a fellow fan of the game is a disgrace and shall bring shame upon the entire fan base.
Men, these are the issue that I bring before you. I admonish you to join me in clearing the path and bringing forth those issues regarding the state of man that give you pause. If we fail to act now, there will come a time, long after our departure, when some young lad will say to his mother, “Ah Mom, do I really have to go to football practice? The Curling tournament is on tv.” If we do not act, one day, while walking on the beach, a boy will spot and Weber and turn to his father and ask, "Dad, what's that?" His father will explain to him the anceint ritual of barbecuing. The son will contemplate and say to his father "Wow, that's a strange way to cook. What' charcoal?"
This question will usher in Armageddon. Don’t let this happen, men. I beg of you… don’t let this happen. And if my word fail to yield results, then my hope is that the words of a great man that before us will.
I take up my task in buoyancy and hope. I feel sure that our cause will not be suffered to fail among men. I feel entitled at this juncture, at this time, to claim the aid of all and to say, "Come then, let us go forward together with our united strength." – Winston Churchill May 13, 1940
12:18 PM Man law stuff huh? Cute.
My guy was napping on Sunday when I was ready to put the food on so I LIT THE CHARCOAL GRILL ALL BY MYSELF LIKE A BIG GIRL. I was so proud of myself - no explosion - no hair on fire - no tears.
Just really wanted to brag about my achievement.
12:39 PM Welcome to our world Jali, he should be proud of you. But you may want to have him read this post.
1:55 PM Legend has it, Jali, that a massive lighter fluid mishap was the initial impetus, shall we say, for James's complete lack of follicles above the shirt line? The eyebrows on his avatar are glued on, so the story goes.
I'm withchoo, though, J. I tried to cross over to the other side once, but now I only use the gas grill to keep warm what I sear on the trusty Weber kettle.
1:58 PM Where there is no smoke (like in a gas grill) there is no REAL fire, or flavor for that matter. I know, I know, you can add smoke to gas using chips, etc., but a side by side taste test will prove there is no better flavor than charcoal. The gas men out there will say, "But it takes so long?!" Using that same logic, you may as well get your burgers from the local fast food chain. Spend 10 bucks and get yourself a charcoal chimney, then you can do your nails and hand wash your panties while the coals get started.
As for sports, I feel you on the figure skating thing, picture a bunch of guys wearing shirts featuring the name of their favorite figure skater yelling, spilling beer, and eating chips and pizza; rub anyone the wrong way? Exactly.
@jali: any woman who can light charcoal without getting the "heebie-geebies" about getting black stuff on their hands deserves respect.
2:41 PM johnie, that only happened once.
BF, I agree with on sports. If I can't imagine sitting with a bunch of guys yelling and pulling good ones out of a cooler - then i have no use for the game.
2:46 PM James, you inspired me to write a post I have been mulling over some time about meat doneness. Come take a look when you get a chance.
4:18 PM Everyone knows that charcoal is best. I wont even debate issue. Mark
8:55 PM No debating the issue here james, whatever your politics or beliefs
Sports id the great uniter.
And if you are not a football fan in America your manliness is in question. Gas grills or charcoal grills as long as there is a cold Michelob near by all is well.
Charcoal is best but we must compromise on some things to get the beer right.
9:23 PM James,
Charcoal rules. There is a gas grill pandemic going on here in the south(Georgia and parts surrounding), men holding their manhoods cheap have been buying more and more of these evil contraptions. Gas grills are great for grilling salmon, teriaki chicken and what-not, but BBQ- CHARCOAL MOTHERFU%^&&. That's all I have to say about that.
Later'
9:39 PM If you'll indulge an opinionated female...
Charcoal is the stuff man. That gas grill makes the meat taste like gas. But - and this is important - the smell of lighter fluid must be completely disappated before the sacred grilling of the meat commenses. Let these lessons be set into stone and passed on to all generations from this time forward to all men and women inclined to cook upon the holy grill.
Sports are the bomb. Sports allow you to forget your life and get completely and viscerally connected in what's going on somewhere else. Usually with a ball. I lost my faith in football when Roger Staubach retired (no shit. I'm showing my age here, but the last super bowl I watched was when Roger the Dodger lost to the Steelers, despite Tony Dorsett running an incredible 98 yards for a touch down. That would have been, what? '83?)
Roundball is now my game. Consider, friend, that I live in the land of the Mighty Spurs. The Two Time World Champs. Home of the greatest gentleman to ever play the game (David Robinson) (and that's greatest gentleman, we all know that Jordan has the greatest player down from this time until the final setting of the sun.) Sports may be sacred to the male of the species, but keep not the female of the species from also joining in on the fun.
Black stuff on my hands? Pshaw! I've changed diapers baby. A little charcoal don't even stink.
10:24 PM Well, James, I came to your blog through BossMackTopSoil, but I can't really read what you're writing because the "langwidge" is too small even for my reading glasses. You wouldn't consider changing your font, would you? Just asking...
Nice to meet you; my name is Insanity...
7:59 AM Sir Manning,
Loving the welcome and I will ask him to take a look.
Johnnie,
Some people followed Michael Jordan's style - some always shaved ala Isaac Hayes - and some (I've learned) love to BBQ.
Bullfrog,
R-E-S-P-E-C-T... singing Aretha as a result of your sweet comment. Will stop by to read about meat. (read about meat - hmmm)
Insanity,
Speaking 'cause... um... well... you're crazy and I'm a punk.
8:21 AM sorry for the small words. i was trying something new. I wont' do it again.
but welcome insanely, glad you can join us.
8:45 AM Insanity, I don't want to be presumptuous here, but did you know you can usually increase (or decrease) the size of the font on a Web page via your browser with a couple of quick clicks (in Internet Explorer) or keystrokes (shortcut in Firefox)? I'm sure James knows that.
9:09 AM I just think I'm plain un-American. I don't eat barbecue nor do I watch sports...
10:45 AM Diane S: an easy solution to the lighter fluid taste is a $10 charcoal chimney. All you need is some newspaper and you get good hot coals every time, no residual lighter fluid flavor.
7:36 PM I still think propane is the way to go. And you should all be locked up for claiming otherwise.
1:05 AM I'd like to point out that rugby is a fast paced, manly man kind of game also.
So what kind of apron do you wear while grilling?