Rules for Men to Live By

Part III of the series about men.

Part I: Men on Fatherhood
Part II: Dead Men Don't Talk

There are certain things that every man should know. So I came up with a few rules that men should live by. I had some fun with this but I think a lot of them hold true in some form or fashion.

Rules for buddies:

  1. You’re not allowed to buy a birthday present for another man unless it is a lap dance or beer. Even remembering another man’s birthday is optional.

  2. Never hang out at the beach with a friend that insists on wearing Speedos. It is acceptable to end a friendship with such a man.

  3. Never trust another man that smiles all of the damn time.

  4. You should never drink the last of another man’s beer unless you’re willing to make a beer run.

  5. Always bail your friend out of jail as long as the bail is under $1000.

Rules for Dating

  1. Try to remember something about the first date: her clothing, a song playing, the restaurant. This may be your saving grace later when you forget her birthday.

  2. A kiss on the cheek at the end of a date says you’re a gentleman. A pat on the ass says you’re a creep.

  3. Never bring up ex-girlfriends unless she asks. And even then you should spend no more than five minutes before changing the subject.

  4. Your best friend sister is off limits unless you intend on asking for her hand in marriage.

  5. Never compliment the looks of your wife or girlfriend friends.
Rules on living

Fruity Drinks: Allowable only if your girlfriend orders it for you. In the presence of just men, only beer and hard liquor is allowed to touch the table.

Vacations: Never vacation with another man unless involves looking at women, an athletic outing or killing an animal.

Fighting: It is better to get your ass whooped then look like a coward. This is especially true if your wife or kids are present.

Compliments: You are allowed to compliment a man on his apparel. The most you can ever say about a man’s body is: “Man, it looks like you’ve been working out” or “Dude, you’ve been putting away a lot of donuts, huh?”

Vocabulary: There is no plausible reason to ever use the word ‘Cute’ unless you are talking about your daughter or the daughter of a friend.

Topic Starters:

1. As a man, what are some of the rules that you live by?


22 Responses to Rules for Men to Live By

  1. woodrow241 Says:
    Ure right on with these rules dude but I've got a few more to add.

    1. A man can never ride on a motorcycle with another man. No exceptions. If you are stranded and hitchhiking along a road and a dude on a motorcycle stops and offers you a ride you must say no and proceed with your walk no matter the distance to your destination.

    2. Under no circumstance can another man share a blanket or sheet at the beach with another dude unless it is a king size and there is a woman between the two of you.

    3. Dudes cannot ride in a Miata together.

    4. A dude is never allowed to brush another dudes hair even if he is incapacitated.

    Just a few suggestions to help preserve your manhoodness.
  2. Phantom of the Bordello Says:
    1. No talking in the restroom stalls. Seriously, I just came to do my bidness. Do yours, and try your best not to let me know who you are. Waaaay too much info!
    2. If you must wear sweats in public, don't be havin' a boner around me. It's like lookin' into the sun.
  3. Peace Says:
    Just came by to check the man comments - you guys and your rules are hilarious!! Women don't have many rules - Don't sleep with your friend's ex and.... umm... I can't think of anything else :)
  4. James Manning Says:

    Y'all may not have a lot of rules for women, but y'all sure do have a lot for men.
  5. nikki Says:
    hahahaha! those rules are GOLD! GOLD I TELL YOU!
  6. nikki Says:
    i think i'm gonna have to do a companion piece on what rules women have for men.
  7. nosthegametoo Says:
    I think 5 minutes is too long on an ex-girlfriend. I tap my foot 60 times as a reminder of how long I should talk about an ex-girlfriend, then after that, I change the subject, even if it's rude.

    I make it up later.
  8. Little Miss Chatterbox Says:
    Okay I totally loved these :-)!!

    I especially liked this line: "Never compliment the looks of your wife or girlfriend friends."

    I dated a guy in college who did that to me once and I seriously considered dumping my beverage on him and leaving the restaurant right then. I wasn't brave enough to do it but I dreamed about how awesome that would've been if I could've done it :-)!!
  9. CarolineJarvis Says:
    These are hilarious! I'll be coming back lots for some good laughs!
  10. CarolineJarvis Says:
    Yup I definitely agree with Nikki that she should make some Women's rules for Men..... love you guys but sometimes ya just don't have a clue..... haha!This coming from the single girl.....eeeee
  11. TheOneandOnlyInsanely Says:
    These are funny but true....*lol*
  12. Thawtz Says:
    1. Always compliment a woman's shoes. Even if she looks like a mudduck.

    2. In the event she looks like a mudduck, compliment her hair and mention how it brings out her eyes.

    3. Never stare at another woman while you are with your own. Instead, point to the selected woman, find a "snicker factor" about her, and the two of you laugh together about said factor.

    4. Do NOT, repeat and emphasize NOT, pat a man on the ass if you are not engaged in any sporting activity. Any pat on the ass must be preceded by a high five at ALL times.

    5. Remember, if you get into a fight with someone bigger than you, it is not considered cowardly to pick up a brick and crack the hell out of him.

    Rules to live by, man. Rules to live by.
  13. Bullfrog Says:
    I only have one:

    1. Real men love Jesus.

    This takes care of everything else.
  14. BossMack Says:
    I feel you James, forgive me it's been a minute.

    1. You can't ride tha Log Jammer at Magic Mountain with a dude.

    2. A Dude can't give you a Massage.

    3. I like Manicures, but a dude can't do it for you, ya dig?

    4. I don't think you should leave your Girl around anotha dude on G/P.

    5. You shouldn't let anotha dude live with you unless it's an extreme emergency, and dude has a plan to get right quickly. Especially if you live with a woman.

    6. As a Man I really don't think you should tell anotha man about problems you and your girl are having, specifically dudes that are close to you. If you must do that, it should be a stranger, with wisdom.

    7. I don't think a Man should wear anotha Mans jewlery, under no circumstances.

    8. A Man should not use anotha mans car to take a female out.

    9. Never have anotha Man speak to a woman on your behalf, with regards to trying to hook up with her.

    10. A Man should never take his shoes off in tha house of anotha Man unless it's family, and he's spending tha night. Even then it's weird but tolerable.

    A few thoughts about females.

    1. I say flirt with all females at all times, just for practice. Ugly, Old, Beautiful whateva.

    2. I say study your woman like you would study for a class.

    3. I say make you woman laugh a lot.

    4. I say keep comming up with new and exciting shit to do with her, to keep it cracken.

    5. Tell her I'm happy as fuck you are my girl all tha time.
  15. James Manning Says:
    Good ones Boss. I feel you on number 2, 3 & 7.
  16. Rashid Muhammad Says:
    Marquis de SOB: Try having a flat in the mountains while biking with your crew in the middle of the summer with hot ass leathers on and see how fast you "ride bitch" to the nearest stop.

    My man wisdom:

    1) The sooner you abandon the quaint ideas of "reason" and (to a lesser extent) "truth" is the sooner you can peacefully co-exist with a woman. To whatever extent such a thing is possible anyway.

    2) If you find yourself in a situation where your manhood forces you to divulge this "truth" thing when it is clearly not wanted by the female in question, by all means DO NOT rely on "reason" to bail you out. Instead, I suggest a technique that I like to call "pleason." You start off with tongue exercises...

    3) If you can't impress a woman with a motorcycle and a leather jacket, she's either a lesbian or you're just hopeless. This is a good way to gauge your level of hopelessness.

    4) Any man that you compete with (basketball, video games, whatever) that continues to take an ass whipping and never gets mad and quits or steps up his game is probably gay. Watch your ass.

    5) If you have an above average sized penis, buy your boxers a size too small and use the band as a holster. It'll cut down on phantom of the bordello's rule #2.

    6) A woman's interest in what you're saying at a bar or club can only be accurately gagued - if at all - before you buy her a drink.
  17. Outside the Box Says:
    Amendment to No talking in the restroom stalls.

    No talking to strangers with the possible exception of a "nod". If you are with a friend, the talking must be done on equal footing: Both in line, both at the urinals, both in the stalls.

    Fight Club rule: If a friend is outnumbered or too drunk to defend himself, you MUST jump in the fight.

    The only acceptable excuse to not help a friend move is if a part of your body is broken. This does NOT apply to a friend of a friend.

    Sports: If you are one of the two guys picking teams you are allowed to skip over your friend for a better player, BUT you may not let him be the last loser to get picked.

    Dating: You must get your friend's approval to date his ex.
  18. Kimberly Says:
    James said: Never bring up ex-girlfriends unless she asks. And even then you should spend no more than five minutes before changing the subject.

    Five minutes is too damn long. More like two minutes...max!

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