My Dear John Letter to Snow White

Dear Stankin’ Heifer,

I’m writing you this letter to inform you that I am finally done with your sorry ass. I’ll admit, I was devastated by your actions at first, but I’ve moved on with my life. But we need to clear the air on some things. First, you are a dirty whore. You did me wrong when I was the one that was always down with you.

Remember the time your step-mother got little Ray Ray and Bettie Boo from down the street to jump on you? Who was it that came to your rescue? It was me. Remember all of those times you couldn’t go to the penny candy store and I tossed Mike n Ikes over the castle wall. Yeah, I was down for your unappreciative ass.

Then came the day when you step-mom was off her meds and started talking to her mirror and got a guard to assassinate you. He didn’t know what to do so he came to me. My response was, ‘Look here playa, don’t do my girl like that. Why don’t you just get a animal heart to show her moms and I’ll take Snow over to my play cousin’s house and let her hang out there.” He did that and told you to meet me at Henry’s Juke Joint. Well, you never showed up. I waited for hours… for days… and you never came. Then one day while playing spades with the boys, one of them told me that you were in the woods shacked up with seven men.

Now I’m sitting there embarrassed and Mickey laughing at me and talking shit saying, ‘Man, I didn’t Snow was a hoe. I should have hit that.’ How do you think that made me feel? My baby off in the woods bangin’ cats named Dopey and Sneezey. You made me look like a gump. Even Peter Pan punk ass was laughing at me, and that sissy son of a bitch wear tights.

Then word got around to your step-mom that you were still alive and she went down to the corner store to get some poison that would put you to sleep forever. I heard the plot and took off into the woods to save you. I see the crazy bitch hand you the apple and chase her so I can get the antidote and that’s when I saw Happy trying to push her over the cliff. I tried to talk him out of it. I was like, 'Hey, Happy, don't push the bitch over the edge, we need the antidote.' But he was high off some fly weed and didn’t understand me, so his dumb ass go and push her over. Maybe it was wrong, but I slapped the shit out of him because now we didn’t have the antidote. That’s when Grumpy rolled up on me and bust me in my mouth. You know I don’t play that – so I dropped them south side beans on him but it was seven of them so I had to bounce.

Later that evening, I’m working in the barbeque-house and I tell Prince Charming that my Boo, Snow, is in the woods under a spell and is waiting on me to come kiss her and break it. Well, guess what his sorry ass go and do. He leaves work early and finds you sleeping in the woods and kisses you and your sorry ass run off with him. That shit hurt me to my heart.

Well, that was some time ago and I just want you to know that I’ve moved on and I’m done with you, bitch. Because now I’m with a babe that treats me good, irons my clothes, fix my grits and has good feet. You heard me, GOOD FEET. Yeah, she aint like you, walking around with woolly mammoth socks and black clod knockers when it’s a hundred degrees outside – I hope you do something about those stankin ass feet of yours.

My Boo wear glass slippers. And I told her all about you and she said ‘don’t let me see that bitch at the club. I’m slap her upside her head with one of these glass slippers.’ You see, my Boo is gangsta like that. This is the last time you’ll ever hear from me. I hope you and that punk ass Prince Charming are happy. Me and Cindy are over here in Neverland kicking it. So you have yourself a good life – with yo stankin ass.

Peace on That

Jimmy



Me and My New Boo

We're on our way to Disneyland. Y'all have a good weekend.

 

16 Responses to My Dear John Letter to Snow White

  1. Diane S. Says:
    Best. Post. Ever.

    Are y'all really going to the Land? Have a great time!
  2. TheOneandOnlyInsanely Says:
    James you are a friggin NUT!!!

    ROFLMAO!!!!!
  3. Mr. Grey Ghost Says:
    Yeah, this one had me laughing too.
  4. taylor Says:
    Part of me says, he ain't made that up. And another part says, you have read his other posts... it is quite possible. Then another part of me says, what are they doing in Neverland anyway? And with Tink in the backdrop to prove it!

    ...crazy...derranged...
  5. Thawtz Says:
    Yo! If you see that trick Belle when you get to the 'land... tell her I said to remind to that monkey-mouth man of hers that he owe me 4 bucks. That two-piece and fries wadn't free. I want my money!

    fa real...have a blast in the land
  6. DJ Diva Says:
    You.are.str8.retarded.
  7. James Manning Says:
    yo thawtz, you know her and that ugly fool pull the same crap at the barbeque house. I gave them a six-peice with mild sauce and they took off. Imma whoop dat ass when I see 'em and make sure you get that loot. holla
  8. Kimberly Says:
    What about that punk Prince Charming? His stank behind think he's all that...he aint! Running around saying how much game he got...whatevah! My girl told me all about his damn erectile dysfunction...the lying punk!
  9. Georgiapeach Says:
    That was off the chain! I mean, that was tight ass hell. Great post!
  10. nikki Says:
    i haven't laughed that hard in like FOREVER. in fact, i'm emailing that post to my friends. that shit was fucking HILARIOUS

    thank you SO MUCH for that laugh. i really needed it!
  11. ProfessorGQ Says:
    you are c-razy man...I loved it...I was like WHAT THE F___!!!
  12. Jaimie Says:
    In defense of Snow White: It wasn't her fault she had to wear those ugly clogs-the Evil Queen made her do it. And she was probably delirious (she just came out of a coma) when Prince Charming kissed her, so she was probably confused and didn't know one man from the other. The person you should be mad at is the Prince!

    And Cinderella will get on your nerves after a while-she sings ALL THE TIME and she's best friends with rats. RATS! You want rats running around your house? And she probably has attachment issues since her dad died when she was young and she was abused by her stepmother.

    What about Pocahontas? At least she cares about what's going on in her country.
  13. Lily Says:
    Hmmm. Interesting but your resentment seems understandable.
  14. Sharon Says:
    James,
    My vote is for "The Little Mermaid"...

    Here's a sista who is willing to give up the loot and the princess status under the sea to hit land and be with a brotha! Come on now, giving up the fam for a man...that sista's bringing some serious "I got choo boo" love if ever there was some! Not to mention she has to learn to walk for a brotha...DAMN!
  15. James Manning Says:
    Sharon, I never thought about that. It is true that most of these females are sitting back waiting for a man to save them. I might have to get with them chicks in the Mother Goose stories because these Disney freaks are money grabbin whores.
  16. Jaid Black Says:
    A friend of mine sent me over here to read this. At first I thought you were serious and led a really bizarre life. Too funny!