There is No More Room For Ken

When I first saw him I knew he was trouble. He entered my world through demonic means and by the temper tantrums of an eight year old girl who’s only purpose in life at that time was to torture me with the presence of everything Barbie. He catapulted his way into my legion of warriors, cowboys and comic heroes well known to many budding men as action figures. But he was no action figure. He was an emasculated sissy sent from the darkest corners of hell to play ornament to a materialistic dame and foreshadow the coming of the metrosexual. His name… is Ken.

Yes, the Ken doll. That tightie-whitie wearing punk that spends his time at tea parties and at arranged marriages instead of fighting evil is the reason we are where we are today. In the midst of those days when everything was about GI Joe and the Kung Fu Grip, the Six Million Dollar Man and packages of little army men taking anthills in the field, along came Ken and the downfall of man.

I know what many of you are thinking, ‘James, you’re walking on shaky grounds here, bruh.’ Well, I’m here to declare that that is not the case. The Ken doll was a propaganda tool by mustache-wearing, Adam’s apple having feminist. Their goal, drain testosterone from the American sphere. They gave Barbie beauty, brains and a career and then placed her in the presence of a chest hairless, bikini wearing, short short sporting with sweater wrapped around his neck, cheerleader squad joining PUNK. They neutered him to the point that even women didn’t like him.

I can't tell you how many Saturday afternoons I spent saving my Batman action figure from the abomination of joining a Barbie tea party. And where was that wuss Ken during all of this, in the corner of the closet with pompoms in his hands. He was even too much of a wuss for a little girl’s tea party – that my friend is a sad state indeed.

So I say to you my fellow Jurassic era Neanderthals, it is time stand up and proclaim that the era of the Ken doll is over. Cast him into the fiery pit of hell from whence he came. Showcase your childhood action figures and let the Ken doll feel the pain of a GI Joe Kung Fu Grip. Stop wearing white gloves, men. Stop wearing pink polo shirts, men! Stop with the body waxing and stop putting cucumbers on you eyes. Simply put – STOP BEING KEN!!!

Ok, it may mean that you will forgo some of the improvements your leading lady enjoys. But when the day comes when she sees you sitting on the sofa watching the game with rusty knees, ashy feet, straggly beard and scratching your armpit and ask what every woman would ask of the degenerative virus sitting before her, ‘what the hell are you doing?” You will reply with the force of 50 million years of stunted evolution and yell, “I am wallowing in the midst of the warrior that resides within me. I AM MAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!!”

Disclaimer: Make this comment at your own risk. Results may vary. Side affects may include, spousal yelling, screaming, being forced to endure long shopping trips to the mall, purchasing forgiveness jewelry or going without ‘hot lovin’ for an extended period of time.

Men, when you wake up in the morning. Ask yourself a question. Do you want to be this:

Or This.

The choice is yours men. Let us not buy into the propaganda any longer. Let us no longer believe that there is something terribly wrong with senseless violence in movies. Sure, you can play dolls with your daughters, hold your woman’s hand in public and even enjoy a chick flick every once in a while. But pick up a hammer. Put up some drywall. Use a charcoal grill. Order a meat lovers deep dish pizza! Be a man. There is no need to bring Ken out of the closet. No need at all.

Trust me on this men. One day you're at the beauty parlor getting a pedicure because your girl can't stand the look of your toes... and the next thing you know you're popping a hip...



36 Responses to There is No More Room For Ken

  1. Rell Says:
    poor john, i'm really starting to wonder about him. Not that that effects whether or not I listen to his music, I just need to know who he is singing to!
  2. James Manning Says:
    I feel you. I'm still going to listen to his music, but I think he's a little *funny*. It's cool - Hey, I purchased damn near every Luther album.

    Ha.. my verification code is:

  3. Thawtz Says:
    Let's be honest for a second, and ask yourself a question, fellas. when you have a little girl, would you a) rather Ken sit at your daughter's tea party? or b) be forced to muster up whatever metrosexuality that resides in you and bring it forward when she asks you to sit at the tea party? Remember, you're looking at at least 7 to 8 years of tea parties.

    Either way, the era of Ken will never die. It's just further reincarnated through such beings as The Bratz Boyz and Wayne Brady.

    Prepare yourself, gentleman. We're in this war for generations to come.
  4. James Manning Says:

    I have sat through many weddings between a Bratz boy and a Barbie. It is the price we pay for ensuring that the esteem of our little girls stay intact. But there must be a line drawn in the sand and it's time we define that line.
  5. Miss Lady Ma'am Says:
    Thawtz, my love, your daughter and I both thank you for recognizing the winless battle. For this, you can sit watching the next game of your choice with dusty knees and elbows, untrimmed everything, and scratching whatever you want in peace.

    But that's it. The next tea party is tomorrow at 3.
  6. Spectator Says:
    So who are you anyway?
  7. James Manning Says:
    @ spectator: Huh?
  8. James Says:

    James, you know you can't win against Ken. Ken is hip hop. He's present when 50 Cent poses for GQ, he's the voice in Kanye West's head anytime that international a--hole opens his mouth.

    Ken murdered Biggie and Tupac to give the world Cam'ron and the Dipset. Ken put that underage girl in R. Kelly's room. Ken forced BET to remove the Little Brother "Lovin' It" video from cable rotation. Ken told every rapper on the planet to unveil a clothing line and to ignore inner city school funding. Ken supplies Jacob the Jeweler with conflict diamonds. Ken taught James Todd Smith to lick his lips!

    *breathes heavily*

    Ken is the Establishment, James. Ken is Mr. Charile. Ken is our planet's Emperor Palpatine: unless you are willing to die yourself, don't take on the Dark Side.

    May the Force be with you.
  9. James Manning Says:
    James: you feel me *sniffing* But I must rage against the machine. Diane S has encouraged me to never give up the good fight - and I shall not waiver in the face insurmountable odds. Hail the return men!!!
  10. MEP Says:
    Barbie is supposedly reconsidering a reunion with Ken now that he's studied Buddhism and grown out his hair. But yeah, he's still totally an accessory.
  11. Shavonne Says:
    My Ken doll was black and a nudist and he had an afro. He also wore briefs. And why did the put built in underware on Ken and not Barbie? It's not like he had much to look at.
  12. DJ Diva Says:
    i never had a ken momma got me a Michael the irst thing I did was strip his asexual behind...

    I just bought my twin 7 year olds their first ken doll this past christmas...

    one ken doll to share...he may as well get used to it....

    I screamed "OOOOOOOOOOO" when i scrolled down and saw John Legend...u got me!...but u right....
  13. kerri Says:

    i have to say i never once owned a barbie or a ken doll... my mom never agreed with ken... lol
  14. Bullfrog Says:
    This post killed me! I hate the word metrosexual and everything it represents! How you just gonna redefine manhood like that? ANY man who plucks or shaves ANYTHING off his body is in danger of getting his Man Card revoked! Men who are more interested in theie abs and whether they are wearing the lastest fashion instead of the score of the baseball game? Never me! Okay... anger subsiding...
  15. Revka Says:
    Great post again!
  16. nosthegametoo Says:
    I don't have any sisters, and fortunately my girl cousins didn't make me play with barbies.

    I feel sorry for kids today. They get pure crap to play with.

  17. James Manning Says:
    LOL @ nosthegametoo

    @ bullfrog, I agree. A sucking chest wound is the only reason to remove chest hair. Unless you look like bear then I'll have to give ya a pass.

    The fact that they've actually created a man bag. I'm serious. Would you be caught dead with THIS!!!
  18. The Best [ Ghostface ] Says:
    James you say a man should know how to take a picture without unlocking his hip. You the metrosexual style is trying to take over HUH!

  19. Anonymous Says:
    Give me a break. Men, no one is trying to steel your manhood and you do NOT act like Ken.

    You may not have transformers, but you do have Metal Gear Solid.

  20. Jack's Shack Says:
    I am with you, bring back Steve Austin- I loved that show.
  21. taylor Says:
    I clicked the link to see the man bag. I forgot everything I had to say about your post off of the strength that I didn't know what that was called and as soon as I saw it I pictured the last person I saw wearing one!!! I AM MAD FOR HIM! I wonder if he knows.

    *catches breath*

    blah, blah, blah... ain't nothin wrong with going with your lady to get a pedicure too. It's quality time that ensures you won't be effin' up her sheets or legs with your toe nails.
  22. Rose Says:
    I think everybody had a Ken doll. Tjough when I look back I don't even know why. Oh yeah, I used to play with a boy who loved Ken too. Years later we met up again and he was not a man.
  23. K.O. Johnson Says:
    JM, you slayed me bro!!! Not too many folks can make me laugh out loud in real time! I grew up with three sisters, but Ken never had a chance in my house. I introduced Barbie to the original GI Joe and ain't nobody seen her since.

    Keep posting Playa. Glad I found you.
  24. Mahndisa S. Rigmaiden Says:
    02 25 06

    All I gotta say is hahahahhahahahhahahah Once again, you have made my day!!!!!!!!!! And I love Mr. Legend, but he is a bit ah, meticulous in a sorta funny way. Ne'ertheless he sure can saaaaaaang!!!
  25. Sharon Says:
    Ahhhhh, a kindred soul...

    Even as a little girl, I had ample hatred for Ken (shit, Barbie too for that matter). It is only now that I understand the underlying cause:

    His tired, genitalia-lacking ass is the reason so many men are cuter than me and my gurlz!

    Thanks for the edumacation my brotha...REVOLT! I say, REVOLT! Do NOT go quietly into that dark night ;-)
  26. TheOneandOnlyInsanely Says:
  27. Diane S. Says:

    This was the funniest damn thing I've read all week.

    Rage! Man, rage!

    There was a viral video a few years back of Barbie getting all dressed up for a date, and Ken driving the long road to her dream house to pick her up. When Ken arrived, Barbie looked back at him over her shoulder, through him a "huh!" and got on the back of GI Joe's motorcycle. Into the sunset baby.

    Who knows what old Joe can do with that Kung Fu grip?

    - Diane S. encourager of never giving up the good fight
  28. Little Miss Chatterbox Says:
    I'm sorry it took me so long to read this. It is another awesome, funny piece of work. #3 after the 2 Cuss-Out Kits. LOL!!
  29. Tif Says:
    BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA Good funny post. I must point out a faux paus-- the pic of the cowboys-- we all know this is not the year for the manly cowboy. Although we love John Legend's music I think we can agree to disagree with the look. hell he's an artist, I'm not. And she went to school with old boy
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  32. Anonymous Says:
    Now be nice. There is nothing wrong with John Legend. He simply expresses his softer side and I for one appreciate that he wears a belt.
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