Peace On That

More than a couple of times I have been referred to as a caveman. I've had the macho tag put on me as well. How does a man that recites poetry and watch French romantic comedies get branded with such a misogynistic label? I don't know but I'm going to make steps to rectify the situation. These steps call for some psychoanalysis and a willingness to render myself ALMOST sackless. Doesn't sound appealing but for the sake of enlightenment, I'm going to try.

First, let me note that any changes may not be permanent. However, it is critical that I allow the process to take place now before the beginning of the football season. At that point, the only thing that will matter is chips, dip, satellite dish, beer, Pepsi, the Chicago Bears and my fantasy football team.

So, you may wonder why I am deciding to embark upon the exorcist of my Jurassic man. Well, recent events have made me realize the masculine prism in which I view the world may not jive well in this post-feminist movement era. Not that I prescribe to hitting women up side the head and dragging them off to my cave, but on more than one occasions women have brought to my attention my "rough edges". Again, I don't know how that gets to that considering that I went to go see "Hello Dolly" and I know at least two songs from "Grease". I write poetry and I'm a helpless romantic and my male friends have often belittled me for my niceness. Yet, here I stand, not listening to that Jurassic man that is inclined to say “F” that.

Moving on. Lets look at the recent events that have motivated me to attempt to remove my Jurassic man.

Scenario 1: A question was asked of me: What do you think of a man with feminine ways that goes to Build A Bear and builds his own teddy bear and has a Ralph Lauren shower curtain covered with bears?

My response: I don’t know if he’s gay but I find it… suspicious.

Most of the guys I talked with agreed with me but none of the women did.

Scenario 2: My girl brings home this tiny watermelon. I cut it open and it has no seeds in it. I gasped. “No seeds” I said with a shocked look on my face. My girl looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind and I explain to her that I’ve never seen a watermelon with no seeds. Of course I’m thinking this must be a California thing so I call my guys back in Chicago and I ask them have they ever seen a watermelon with no seeds. They had and I begin to feel that I’m the only one that just crawled from under a rock. However, I find it comforting to know that one of my boys has no idea what an avocado looks like and I hang up with him knowing that I’m not alone.

Scenario 3: While discussing the teddy bear man, we bring up the idea of men primping themselves. I guess the term for these men is metrosexual. I have no idea why a man would want to shape his eyebrows, get a bikini wax, purchase six different lotions for his face and get manicure and pedicures. But most of the women I talked to welcomed the idea of a man taking care of himself in this fashion. I don’t know any guys that do this. I knew one guy that wore clear polish on his nails… I thought that was a bit much but he was the pretty boy in the bunch.

Phase I: Accepting Jurassic Man's Flaws I’ve come to realize that I have to open my mind to the fact that masculinity is not an endangered species and that the metrosexual movement does not represent a vasectomy of the American male. This is the first step in killing that Jurassic Man within me. I’ve long accepted the idea of men getting manicures –though I’ve never had one. I am now opening my mind to the idea of men getting pedicures. The truth is, I know a couple of guys with some ugly feet that could use a pedicure or reconstructive surgery. I won’t mention any names but they know who they are.

But I realize that not only will I have to change my mindset, I will also have to change my ways. So, I will no longer eat pizza that has been sitting out longer than 72 hours. I’m giving up my Irish Spring soap for bath soap.

They say acceptance is the first step to change. So, I’m also accepting the fact that I may be wrong about the sexual orientation of the members of B2K and 112 and that they are not neutered, lip gloss wearing sissies. I’m no longer suspicious of the fact that Usher spends $75,000 a year on flowers for his home. I am now a man prepared to relinquish his narrow definition of manhood. Phase I, becoming more open-minded, is now in process. Stay tuned… this could pretty interesting.

NOTE: Sisqo is a flame and you will never convince me otherwise. A man still needs his standards.