What I Hate: Robocalls

Robocalls are in the news once again. I live in Chicago, and Illinois is considered a safe state for Barak Obama so it was with great shock that I discovered robocall messages on my voice mail. After listening to them, I really understand why people hate them. Just so you guys can get a feel for what it is like, I transcribed just a few of the messages. It is shameful what these guys have done to the political process.

[Message received today at 10:27 am] Hi, this is Barak Obama and as you know this country is in dire need of change. Not the change that McCain found under the pillows of his sofa and is now using to fund his campaign, but a change in the direction of this country. I’m hoping that I can count on your support on November 4. This message was paid for by the donations I received just a few minutes ago.

[Message received today at 11:05 am] This is John McCain. My friends I am here to inform you that Barak Obama is a socialist pig and has sold his soul to the devil. My friends, we cannot allow this man the opportunity to call for jihad from the Oval Office. I am the type of American that you need. Vote me on November 4, and spare our country from socialism. This message was paid for with public funds.

[Message received today at 12:23pm] Hi, I’m Colin Powell and I am supporting Barak Obama for President. He is exactly what America needs at this time in our history. Support America on November 4. Vote for Barak Obama.

[Message received today at 12:24pm] This is Rick Davis for the McCain Campaign. On November 4, we’re asking you to set aside your worries about the economy, healthcare, wars, Wall Street’s collapse and the overall shitty job that the Republicans have done over the past eight years and tap into your racist subconsciousness and vote for McCain. Though you will be voting against your best interest, at least you can say to your grandchildren that you didn’t vote for a black man.

[Message received today at 1:15pm] It's your friendly neighborhood Maverick here, and I’m paying for this ad with some Food Stamps I swapped for cash. So what is this election really about… Ayers…Ayers… Ayers… Joe the Plumber… ACORN and… um, hold on a sec. What are these kids doing… I know the hell they ain’t playing ball [sound of door opening] Get off my lawn you dirty rotten kids before I…

[Message received today at 2:51 pm] Heeeey, this is Joey. That’s what my old man called me when we were just scraping by in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Ladies and gentlemen, John McCain, god bless him, is a total dick. He wouldn’t know middle America if it snuck behind him and gave him a good ole fashion weggie. That’s what the kids use to do to me when I was growing up in Willmington, Delaware. And ladies and gentlemen, there is nothing fun about a weggie. That’s what McCain and Palin will bring to the White House, a weggie for middle-America. Small towns across the country will have their whitie tighties scrunched in crack of their economic asses while the corporatcrats walk around in loose fitting, silk, Polo boxers. That's not right. It's not fair. This country needs…what do you mean shut the hell up? [sound of pushing and shoving] Hey, don’t take the mic, I’m not done talking. I’m never done talking… Wait…no… no… nooooooooo

[Message received today at 3:27 pm] This is Sarah Palin and goshdarnit, I hear Joe’s got a robocall. Ohhh say it aint so Joe. While my opponents are palling around with terrorist and trying to convince mothers to kill their babies, I’m out traveling across real America, exciting the base and trying to keep Obama from completely humiliating ole McGrumpy. So go out a vote and then donate to my 2012 campaign run for President. Don’t be discouraged by my interviews with Katie Couric or the Tina Fey caricature of me. Those carpet-munching bitches will be long forgotten and I’ll be ruler of the free world just in time for Armageddon. God bless ya.

[Message received today at 4:00 pm] Wassup, bitches. This is Paris Hilton. I’m not running for anything but I have more money than any of the douche bags running for office and besides… I’m hot. In two weeks when you finally vote for one of these guys, you’ll go back to your pitiful, mundane, useless lives and they are going to forget about you until the next election cycle. In the meantime, they will make you hate one another, call each other names, then after the election, spend your tax dollars however they please. So why am I telling you this? Do I care? Not in the least. I just firgured you would like to know that I’m rich and it doesn’t matter to me who wins. I’ll see you bitches in the soup lines… while I’m passing by in my Mercedes. Smooches.


2 Responses to What I Hate: Robocalls

  1. Satyavati devi dasi Says:

    This was great!!!
  2. Patrick M Says:
    Also LMAO!

    Although I think you might have paraphrased a wee bit. :)