Over the past two weeks, our beloved have sought scourge our loyalty with putrid performances oh so worthy of our disdain. I, having forsaken good judgment and commons sense, tapped into cumulative greatness of Bears history and crowned this the year that we return to our rightful place as lord and overseer of the gridiron.
My first week prediction of victory was like the discovery of a Minority Report from a Pre-Cog and with the hubris of Odysseus, I laid claim to my greatness. To my despair, such boastfulness is rarely reinforced with continued success and my “Mission Accomplished” sign was met with the cruel resemblance of the Bush Doctrine.
Having spat upon the glory of Red Grange, Walter Payton and Gayle Sayers, our beloved placed before us an indigestible feast of iniquity. For two weeks victory was at hand with only a competent display of fortitude necessary to secure glory. But they failed us and retreated into the filthy bowels of Soldier Field, adorned with the fragrance of hot steamy human feces, soiled in their sackless jockstraps.
With the mighty green winged men coming from the east to devour their rotting carcass, the Monsters of the Midway had to dig deep and find the strength to bring victory to the City of the Wind. So when the winged men from the east came calling, lead by the one they call McNabb, our Bears stood and took a bold swipe and beheaded the vermin in such a way that made King Henry VIII take note. Though we take no joy in what happened to Anne Boleyn, there will be no peace in the NFL kingdom until the Bears have produced a rightful heir to throne. The lineage of George “Papa Bear” Halas must be preserved. And with the victory over the Eagles, we consummated once again with our bride while the sultry sounds of the Super Bowl Shuffle played in the background.
And now we march on to greet the lowly Lions, the ghastly Falcons and repulsive Vikings with a renewed determination to destroy these teams and burn their existence in such a way that not even their pathetic, puny souls will emerge from the ashes.
THIS IS CHI-TOWN!!!!!