The following is a paid advertising and does not reflect the views of this blog or its commentors...
With such a difficult and challenging election cycle upon us, politicians are scrambling to find experienced campaign consultants to help navigate the treacherous road to the White House.
The current candidates have found the consultation of established political pundits lacking in creativity and disconnected from the true concerns of the average American.
To fill the void of insightful political punditry, two overwhelming intelligent, immensely creative, and at times violent bloggers have joined together to form a new political consulting firm.
ConservaLib Consulting and Public Relations Inc., founded by Liberal blogger, James Manning and Conservative blogger, Dee Vantuyl, brings a fresh approach to political consulting and public relations manipulation. Between them, they have assaulted Presidents, fought with the press and James Manning has even gotten his ass whooped by the President’s mother.
This unique experience enables us to provide insight to a campaign that other consulting firms cannot. The proof is in the results of candidates who didn’t follow our advice.
Dennis: I think people need to know about the time I saw a UFO and…
James: (Stands up, reaches across the desk and slaps Dennis in the mouth) Shut the hell up about those UFO’s!!!
Dennis: But I saw…
Dee : (Grabs Dennis by the throat) Man the hell up you sorry piece of Liberal feces.
Dennis: (Crying) But why can’t I…
James: Because it’ll make you look crazy. Its bad enough you’re short. You mention those gotdamn UFO’s one more time and I beat the living hell out of your punk ass.
Dennis: (Crying profusely) Moooooommmmmyyyyyyy
Dee : Our study shows that Republican voters are not resonating with your message.
Ron: They will… they will I tell you.
James: Did you take your meds?
Ron: I don’t need them… I’m as sane as a cow pissing on a flat rock.
(James and Dee look at one another)
James: (Turning back to Ron) What the fu…
Dee : Whatever, you need to take your meds before the next debate.
Ron: Absolutely not… they make me wet my pants… and say crazy stuff
Dee : How much crazier can it be?
Ron: I start talking about fairies and leprechauns and how they want to take over the world and…
James: Ok Fred, we’ve been going over this for an hour and you haven’t said anything.
Dee : We’re only trying to help. You’re the best conservative in the race but you’re just not…
( Dee notices that Fred’s head in bobbing up and down. There is saliva forming in the corner of his mouth)
Dee : (looking at James) Is he… Is he asleep?
James: (Taking note of Fred’s form) Well I’ll be damn… this bastard is asleep.
( Dee stands up and walks around the desk to stand by Fred’s side. She raises her arm then lowers her elbow into the side of Fred’s head.)
Dee : (Yelling) Wake your punk ass up!
Dee : Joe, I think you could do better if you tweaked your message.
Joe: Tweak my message?
James: Yeah, I think you’re a little winded and…
Joe: I’m not winded. I’m just telling the people that’s it’s about time we have the courage to stand up and say to the president ‘Mr. President, you have not only put us in harm’s way you have harmed us. I’m so tired of hearing on this floor about courage. Have the courage to tell the Administration, ’stop this ridiculous policy you have. So as long as the president keeps us on this ridiculous path, taking us off a cliff — I ask my colleagues, does anybody think they’re going to be able to sustain keeping American forces in Iraq , at 160,000, for another year and a half? How many times are we going to ask those 175,000 to rotate, three, four, five, six, seven times? Mr. President, you’re leading us off a cliff. Stop! I think this is a powerful message.
(James and Dee sit with glazed eyes)
Dee: I hate you.
Joe: Mr. Manning, what say you?
Don't make the mistakes these dumb bastards made. ConservaLib Inc. can increase your poll numbers, donations and political viability with sound advice from experts who've been there. Make the call today and become next in line to rule the free world (or what few remaining freedoms the Patriot Act allows).
ConservaLib Consulting & Public Relations Inc.
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