Me (played by James): There is me, the Jurassic man from Chicago that has spent the last 10 years living with male cousins and eating four-day-old pizza and ribs. I’m not much of a shopper. I think watching 30 hours of football over the weekend is absolutely normal behavior. And I could care less about kicking the cats out of the house in the middle of the night. I’m not particularly neat, and I can never remember where I put my keys if I don’t place them on the hook by the door. And I will eat red meat three times a day, but I have noticed there is far less meat in the grocery bags.
Mommy (Played by Jaimie): The self-proclaimed high maintenance, California princess who is a tad bit on the obsessive-compulsive behavior side of the mental spectrum. She likes things a certain way and is very particular about not having dirty socks on the bed. She wants everything to go in their set place – every time. She will throw perfectly good food away and will scream bloody murder at the sight of an insect. If she sees the cats throw up, it automatically becomes my job to clean it. Any poop that falls out of the litter box is my job to clean as well.
Mini-Mom (played by Stella): The fiesty, sensative three year old that is developing into her mother every day. When Jaimie has a headache – Stella has a headache. When Jaimie gave up meat – Stella Gave up meat (except for chicken nuggets, hotdogs, sausage, hamburgers, turkey, ham and bacon). She will change an entire outfit if a drop of juice lands on her clothing and will never use a napkin more than once. She loves cheese as long as it doesn’t touch anything else on the plate. And when she wants wear lip gloss or have her hair in a ponytail, you better damn well put the lip gloss on and place her hair in a ponytail or all hell with break lose. (What I like to refer to as a "meltdown".)
Now that you know the characters, here is the scene. Jaimie is hungry but not feeling well so me, being the nice guy that I am, venture to the store to purchase some soup. I notice the Campbell soup and it says “condensed” on the front. I find that curious, but my ADD kicked in and I didn’t ask the follow up question: What does condensed mean? Whatever.
I take the soup home and proceed to fix my Doll a nice hot bowl. She doesn’t say anything at that moment, but the next day we have this conversation.
Jaimie: Did you put water in the soup when you cooked it?
Jaimie: Why not? It said it was condensed soup. Do you know what that means?
Jaimie: It means that you have to add water to it. (Irk level rising) How is it that you don’t know what condensed soup is?
Me: It’s soup. You open the can, pour in the pot and boil it. I've never heard of condensed soup.
Jaimie: But you saw that it was condensed soup. Why wouldn't you take time to read it?
Me: Because it’s soup. What’s to read? You can’t mess up soup.
Jaimie: But you did.
(A gotcha moment. I raise my eyebrows and concede the fact that yes, I messed up soup. I leave the bedroom and sit on the sofa. Jaimie and Mini-Mom proceed to follow)
Jaimie: I don’t understand why you didn’t read the can.
Stella: (In full blown Mini-mom mode) You’re supposed to read it.
Me: Hey, I never heard of condensed soup.
Jaimie: Didn’t you notice how thick it was? Didn’t that make you think you should add water?
Stella: (Jumping up and down on the adjacent couch) You're supposed to add water… huh Mommy?
Jaimie: I can’t believe you’ve never heard of condensed soup.
Me: (shrugging shoulders) I haven’t. What purpose is there for condensed vegetable soup?
Stella: Jimmy messed the soup up, huh Mommy?
Jaimie: Have you been living under a rock for the last 36 years?
Me: Well…. Yeah.
Jaimie: If you didn’t know what it was, you should have read the can.
Stella: You’re supposed to read for ten minutes.
(At this point we start laughing at Stella’s insightfulness)
Stella: (Turning into the sensitive 3 year old) Stop laughing at me.
(My head is in my hands as I am trying to hide my laughter.)
Jaimie: Ask your co-workers about condensed soup. I’m sure they’ll know.
Stella: (Obviously bored now) Can I have vitamin?
Me: I’ll do that.
And I did. The result is that there is not a single guy I asked who knew what condensed soup was, but most of the women did. However, they stated that they wouldn't expect someone to know what it was unless they cooked or had purchased it before. A few even said they wouldn’t expect their men to know what it was. Jaimie apologized and promised to be more patient of my Jurassic ways. Heck, it was only in May that I found out that guacamole was made from avocados. Don’t trip. What black man from the Westside of Chicago eats avocados when there is Coleman’s Barbecue House, Harold’s Chicken Shack and the Dixie Kitchen to provide exquisite dining of impeccable quality and taste?